


Safer To Hate Her

by plantyplant7



Category: You Me At Six
Genre: Bad Parenting, F/M, Fanfiction, Fatherhood, Inspired by Music, Love, Motherhood, Multi, Strained Friendships, Strained Relationships, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unrequited Love, Young Love, you me at six - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-18 04:13:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21771556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantyplant7/pseuds/plantyplant7
Summary: After 10 years of raising her daughter, Maisie all on her own, she finally comes face to face with Maisie's estranged Father, Max Helyer. Only problem is, he had no idea she even existed. The pair slowly come to terms with their feelings for each other, the strains of finding out they share a daughter and if we can make this work for the sake of their daughter. Or are the 10 years apart and the secrets that they have be the thing that pulls them apart again?
Relationships: Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Friendship - Relationship, Mother/Daughter, father/daugter
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

"Did you know that Coca-Cola is actually green?" Maisie's quiet voice spoke out as I placed a glass of it in front of her.

"Oh?" I remarked, sitting down in my chair opposite her, tucking it in close to the table to avoid a waitress tripping over it. She gave a feeble nod and looked back at her book, which was open flat on the table.

"They add food colouring to it, that's why it's the colour it is."

"Very interesting." I nodded, watching her inquisitively. "Is that in your book?" She shook her head and smiled, holding up the book so I could inspect the cover. I squinted at it as she laughed.

"This is a book about marine life. There's nothing to do with Coca-Cola, silly." I held my hands up in mock apology and laughed.

"My bad! So where exactly did you learn that from?" Maisie shrugged and placed her book on the table.

"On the TV I think... can't remember exactly." She said airily, and then took a sip from her glass, chasing the straw around the glass with her mouth. I smiled as I watched her, observing how she blinked shyly and looked around the café so curiously. I could never tell whether that look was from interest or confusion. But then again, ten year olds are always difficult to figure out, even if they've spent the majority of their life with you. One thing they never tell you is that you are never going to truly know what your child is thinking, I mean, I have some brief ideas at various moments, but she's so quiet it can be difficult to decipher that one look. Parenting is a learning curve, who'd have known? About three times a week I doubt if I am a bad mother, I was no more of a kid myself when I had her, what I thought life was, was inexplicably different from actual reality. I've had to grow up right alongside her, which is both rewarding and terrifying. I often wonder if she actually knows how much I doubt myself when I'm around her. Sure I take her to school, I look after her, she's never one of those kids who goes without, but a psychologist would easily say that I'm overcompensating. Overcompensating for what exactly? Who knows? There's very little I actually know about anything, and that's a burden I have to bear every single day. It's also worthwhile to say that my thought pattern hasn't always been negative. It feels sometimes that I look out on the world with grey tinted glasses, a stupid role reversal of the rose tinted ones I looked through before. But I am happy, but there's always that small, niggling factor residing in my head that reminds me that I shouldn't be, despite very much, enjoying my life. If I laid down all aspects of my life down on the table, I'd see I have a good job, a nice home, supportive friends, and a daughter so intelligent and kind-hearted. I almost want to kick myself out of anger for not being satisfied with it. But then again, everyone has their own shit to deal with.

"Mum?" Maisie piped up. I blinked, snapping out of my thoughts to see Maisie staring anxiously at me.

"Sorry. I was in my own head for a second." I apologised and pulled my glass closer to me, taking a small sip. Maisie nodded and closed her book, clasping her hands together and leaning forward towards me. I frowned and leaned forward slightly myself.

"You sure you're alright? You look sad." She stated, scanning my face with her wide eyes.

" Honestly, I'm fine. Just a little tired that's all." I reassured her. Yet the anxious look on her face didn't falter. " What's wrong?" I asked her warily.

"Nothing... I just thought you were a bit scared of that man, that's all." She shrugged.

"Whoa, wait, what man?" I said, sitting back up, frowning at her.

"That man over there." She said, nodding her head slightly to the side. "He's been looking over at us for ages now." I frowned and looked over in the direction she nodded in, the café was crowded and people were milling around the till and various cake stands. Then my eyes fell towards the man who was staring at me, his brows knitted together in confusion and his mouth open slightly. I raised my eyebrows and continued to stare at him, scanning his face to get a hint of who he actually was.

"Mum? Who is that?" Maisie asked quietly. I shook my head and shrugged slightly, not breaking my gaze from the man.

"I don't know sweetie." I replied, I broke my gaze from the man and looked back at her, smiling at her reassuringly. She gave an uneasy smile back and looked over at the man, extending her neck upwards, frowning at him.

"He looks weird... do you know him?" She whispered, sitting back down.

"I'm trying to work out if he is familiar or not, but I just can't place him in my mind." I shook my head, exhaling.

"Do you want me to ask him? I can go over there if you want?" She offered.

"No! Don't do that! He's probably a stranger with his wires crossed or something. And remember what I said about not speaking to strangers?" I reminded her with a jokingly stern tone of voice. She smiles at me and shakes her head, studying the cover of her book.

"When are we going to the cinema?" She asked, switching the conversation. I looked at my watch and squinted.

"Well it starts at five, and it's half three now, so we have some time to kill before that." I said to her. "What do you want to do?" Maisie frowned and clicked her tongue around in her mouth in deep thought. In the end she just shrugged and rested her head on her book.

"Dunno..." "How about we go have a quick look around the shops? See if there's another book you want to take on holiday? Since you've already read that one." I offered. She sat up, her eyes looking bright, she smiled widely and me and nodded enthusiastically. I laughed and nodded towards her glass, urging her to finish it. She nodded and quickly slurped down the rest of her drink. She got up from her chair and clutched her book to her chest, holding out her free hand for me to take. I rolled my eyes at her and let her pull me out of my chair. I kicked in the chair so it tucked itself closer to the table and placed my hands on her shoulders, steering her through the people in the café. As we approached the door, I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I jumped slightly and turned around, to see the man who was staring at us before. He was tall and slim, towering above me. I looked up at him and swallowed.

"Can I help you?" I asked timidly, looking him up and down, trying desperately to recognise his face. The man smiled in disbelief and took his hand off my shoulder, running it through his hair.

"It's actually you!" He said, smiling a toothy grin at me. I was still none the wiser and I felt a tug at my jacket. I looked down to see Maisie switching her gaze between me and the man. He caught her gaze and gave her a kind smile.

"I-im sorry, I think you have the wrong person I don't know who you are." I apologised, turning my body around to head for the door. He put his hand on my shoulder again and held his hand out, stopping me.

"Look, I'm sorry I looked weird over there, I was trying to work out if it actually was you or not, it's been a long time." The man said, stepping out of the way of a waitress. "You're Zoe right? Zoe Matthews?"

"Yeah... Why who are you? Do I know you?" I asked him, flicking through my thoughts rapidly, trying to match his face to a name, but nothing.

"Zoe, it's me Matt? Remember? Matt Barnes? From school?" He said, patting his hand against his chest. Suddenly a flash of recognition hit me and my mouth dropped open in shock.

"Holy Sh-" I muttered under my breath, before feeling another tug on my jacket. I mouth sorry at her and looked up at Matt. The last time I saw him, he had long hair, and a terrible dress sense, now his hair was short and spiked, his clothes were understated and causal. It was almost a different person standing above me, probably why it didn't register sooner.

"Oh my gosh, how are you?" I laughed, holding out my arm for an awkward hug.

"I'm great actually! I just stopped for coffee; I didn't think you'd be here. It's so mad." He laughed. "Yeah well, we live here!"

"Get out since when?" He remarked. I exhaled as I thought it over.

"About 5 years now, got a job, the whole shebang." I recalled.

"That's great! You look really well!" He said, smiling sincerely.

"Thanks." I said blushing. For the third time, I felt a tugging on my jacket and I looked down to see Maisie looking anxiously at Matt. He looked down at her and gave a small wave.

"Uh, Matt, this is Maisie, my daughter." I said, gesturing to her, as she buried her face into my side shyly. Matt leant down and held his hand out, Maisie stared at it and held out hers; shaking his hand quickly and then pulling it back, gripping onto my hand. "Sorry she's a little bit shy." I apologised.

"Hey no worries! It's nice to meet you Maisie." Matt said to her. We all stood there, in silence, I puffed out my cheeks awkwardly and rubbed my thumb across the back of Maisie's hand. Matt looked around the café and nodded his head slightly.

"So, how come you are here? Southampton is a weird place to come for coffee." I said, chuckling a little.

"Well we've got a gig tonight at the Guildhall. Exciting stuff!" He said, his voice quickening in pace, the excitement evident.

"Ah right! You're-um-band. How's that going?" I asked casually, feeling my mouth dry up. Matt raised an eyebrow in confusion and rubbed the bottom half of his face. "Come on, you have to at least have seen us! You were there back in the day!" Matt said, patting my arm. Of course I have, I can't escape from them, no matter how much I wanted to. The perils of being in an uber successful band I guess? I was their friend, I was there when they were just starting and the prospect of living and breathing music was a new and exciting thing. Something all-consuming almost. And I was excited to share that with them, and they were excited to share it with me. But the funny thing about life is, you can be excited for something and then it can be destroyed in just one small moment. Since then I've tried my hardest to ignore them, moving on and away helped, not to mention I had Maisie to worry about.

"Yeah well, in all fairness I've been a little busy." I laughed awkwardly, nodding down towards Maisie. Matt nodded in understanding and folded his arms, looking at me.

"What are your plans tonight?" Matt asked.

"Cinema with this one." I replied.

"Ah wow! What are you planning on seeing?" He questioned, directing it towards Maisie. Maisie blushed and looked away from him, I gave her a little nudge to talk but she shook her head and nuzzled herself into my clothes even more. I shot Matt an apologetic look and he smiled.

"Sorry, she's just really shy."

"It's no problem! You were the same if I recall. But the reason I asked is maybe you'd want to come along to the show? I'm sure the guys would love to see you again." My heart and stomach sank into the floor; I looked down at my feet and shook my head.

"I don't think that'll be a very good idea do you?" I said quietly.

"Do you not have a babysitter?" Matt asked politely. I leaned my head to the side and blinked at him.

"Matt you know why."

"Oh come on Zoe, it's been ten years, if he's not over it yet then he never will be. Max has grown up a lot since then."

"I can't face him! You don't get it Matt; I haven't spoken to him in ten years. Imagine what he'd be like if I just turned up out of the blue?"

"He'd be fine! He'd be made up to see you. And besides you've moved on." Matt said.

"Have I?" I frowned at him.

"Well obviously! You have her!" Matt said and nodded towards Maisie. `

"Listen, I really don't think it's a good idea me coming tonight." I told Matt, stroking the top of Maisie's head.

'Come off it, everyone would be so happy to see you! I mean you could even bring Maisie?' Matt offered I scoffed.

'Definitely not.' I stated, and twirled a piece of Maisie's hair between my fingers, she brushed me off, and stepped more into view, curious now of the most awkward conversation I think I've ever had. Matt noticed her gawping at him and stuck his tongue playfully out at her. She giggled and did the same. Matt then kneels down to Maisie's level, Maisie puffed out her chest and stood on her tiptoes to assert herself as taller.

'Would you like to go to a concert later? Way more fun than the cinema?' Matt asked her.

"How much more fun?' She asked tentatively, hooking onto the bait he was dangling.

'About a billion percent.' Matt stated. I scoffed again, biting my lip, watching the cogs tick in her little head. Please say no.

'Are you sure?' she asks Matt holds a hand against his chest and bows his head.

'Hand on heart.'

'Please don't coerce my child, that's not fair '

'Who's coercing? I'm involving her in the decision making process. Plus, the guys would love to meet her. You're the first one of the old crowd to grow up.' he joked.

'Matt... this is really not a good idea. The best thing going forward is that you forget all about this. Don't even mention you saw me, especially not to Max...' I said, tugging gently on Maisie, pulling her back to me, I placed my hands on her shoulder, gripping a bit tight.

'Wait... ' Maisie piped up, she looked up at me and frowned. 'Will my Dad be there?'. Oh fuck. Oh fuuuckk. She's sold me out. She's sold me down the river. Remember the phrase 'children should be seen and not heard'? Yeah I'm bringing that back as of now. I felt my stomach drop to the floor, I felt like I was about to be sick all over the walls. I was dizzy and my heart felt like it was going to burst out my chest. I stared directly at Matt, eyes wide with fear. Matt frowned and smiled awkwardly, thinking over what was just. It was like waiting for a grenade to go off and I couldn't run away fast enough from the blast.

'I...ugh...well...' I stuttered helplessly, watching Matt think. He looked at me, then back at Maisie, fixating on her face. Please don't notice how similar she looks to him, please just forget what she said, please just chalk it up to ten year old nonsense.

'Does her Dad work at the Venue? Is that why you don't want to go?' Matt asked. I opened my mouth to agree, deflect, deflect, deflect.

'No....' Maisie begins to argue. I put my hand over her mouth quickly and she pulls it away just as quick. 'My dad plays a guitar! Do you know him? ' She asks him.

'Maybe! What's his name?' Maisie just shrugs, I never told her, I couldn't... I wanted to... but then it would be real. Matt stares at Maisie, taking in her big brown eyes... she just blinks at him, uncomfortable under his gaze. He then laughs and shakes his head. Then stops dead. He looks me dead in the eye and all colour drops from his face. I gulped, thinking in my head how fast I could pick up Maisie and bolt out the door.

'Wait... she's not?' He asked. 'She can't be...' I felt myself nod,I could feel the past ten years of repression pour out of me, I really wanted to be sick.

'oh my god.' Matt exclaims and runs his hand through his hair. He puts his hands on his hips and continues to stare are Maisie, he then bends down to look at her closely. Maisie just frowns at him, not looking away either. 'Zoe... I, no you're ... but she's...' He babbled. I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. He straightens up and took me by the arm, ushering us both out of the cafe. I tried to dig my heels in but he was took strong.

'What are we doing, where are we going?' I cried out, gripping onto Maisie's hand, her little legs struggling to keep up.

'I need a drink... ' Matt breathed and let me go.

'You don't need us for that, look we should go.' I protested, turning on my heel, causing Maisie to spin. Matt stood in front of me and out his hands on my shoulders. He didn't look mad. That's a relief I guess. But he already knows too much. His eyes flicker with sympathy and he pulls me into a tight bear hug. I stay stiff and reserved, I will not let myself get pulled back into this. He pulls away apologetically. I just look at my feet.

'Zoe... this is huge... Max has a kid!' He exclaims. ',Jesus she looks exactly like him...'

'I know...' I reply, half ashamed and half proud. It fills me with both joy and sadness on how much resembles Max. It's a comfort whenever I feel that pang of emotion and I begin to miss him. I always have a piece of him with me. But then it just reminds me of him and what I did. It's a mixed bag.


	2. Chapter 2

Next thing I know, we had followed Matt to the nearest pub. Maisie was intrigued by the place, she'd never set foot in one until now, so naturally she was interested in everything and bursting with a million questions about what it all was.

Whilst waiting for Matt to come back with drinks I learnt in close to her.

' How you holding up?' I whispered.

'Fine... your friend seems nice. This place has a cool carpet.' She rambled.

'He is... me and him were really good friends in school.' I told her.

'Does he know my Dad then?' She asked

I just nodded.

'Mum is experiencing a bit of a freak out right now...' I explained.

'That's okay. Does this mean I have to meet my Dad now?'

'Not if you don't want to. This is entirely up to you.' I assured her. The last thing I wanted was her whole world to be blown wide open. I mean... I think she'd handle it quite well. I'm not sure I will.

'Would he want to see me?'

' I think...' I paused, thinking of the right reply... "There won't be anything on this earth that would stop him. But I want you to understand that this is going to be really difficult. For me, you and especially him. God I feel so terrible. "

'It's okay... he doesn't know about me. I'd be shocked.' She said. I had to laugh at her maturity. Faced with anything she would come at it with a brave face. I know exactly where she got that from.

'You understand why he doesn't right?' I questioned her.

'Because you were scared and there were bad people telling you loads of things and you didn't know what to do so you decided to have me by yourself'.

'Yeah... you're exactly right. Well done ' I nodded and noticed Matt approach with a handful of drinks. Beer for himself and me, and an apple juice for Maisie.

'You don't mind that I have a drink right?' I quickly asked her.

She shrugged.

'Can I try some?'

' Easy tiger... you've got some turning 18 to do before you do.' I chuckled.

'Fair enough.' she shrugged again and pulled her apple juice towards her.

'Do you want your book? I'm about to be boring and have an adult conversation.'

'Okay.' she smiled and I fished out her book out of her small backpack. She began reading immediately. I exhaled in relief and stroked her hair.

Matt sat down and took a large gulp of his drink. I did the same. An entire vat of this wouldn't call me down. But I'll give it a go.

'What happened?' Matt asked bluntly, watching Maisie read.

'Well... I found out I was pregnant and was at a complete loss, I didn't know what to do. Like no clue. Me and Max weren't even together, things were starting to kick of with your band... and my Mum.. well she was less than enthused.' I started to explain.

'Yeah I can imagine she wasn't best pleased...' Matt agreed. 'But that meant you couldn't tell Max?'

'It was a culmination of a lot of things....' I trailed off. 'I did what I thought was best at the time. And it was. I got out, started a new life for myself and Maisie. It got to the point where it was too late.'

'Surely there was a point you wanted to tell him'

'Every single day.' I nodded, taking another large gulp.

'You must have been so scared.' he said.

'The most scared I've ever been. I was entirely on my own, Mum kicked me out when I was about four months gone. Ended up in a young women's hostel. Gave birth on my own, was on a waiting list for a flat for about a year and a half... social services got involved, threatened to take her away from me...' I could feel a lump in my throat and tears begin to form in my eyes I took a deep, shaky breath and wiped my eyes quickly, so Maisie couldn't see.

'Zoe... why didn't you call?' Matt asked, reaching over to squeeze my hand.

'I couldn't... I was too ashamed. Matt, you've no idea how I was feeling, I was on auto pilot. I just knew I had to keep her safe. I couldn't handle it.'

'We would have come like a drop of a hat.' he explained.

I chuckled and shook my head.

'Before or after jetting off all over the world? No, I wasn't going to bring you down with me. '

Matt looked at his beer, he was eyeing it like he wanted to down it and a further 10 more. I felt exactly the same.

'Look... what happened back then is irrelevant now... I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that alone. You have no idea how much. But I can't change that. What's important now, is that Max needs to know.'.

'He doesn't... I don't want to be the one to bring his whole world crashing down. It's complicated.'

"Oh massively... but if you don't tell him, it's only going to get more complicated... I can't keep this a secret, imagine what kind of person that would make me.' He sighs.

' With all due respect, this isn't really about you.' I told him.

'You're right... but it's not about you anymore either. Don't you think Maisie deserves to know who her Dad is? Don't you think Max deserves to know that he has a daughter?' He said, seriously. Gesturing towards Maisie.

'Yes...' I whispered, blinking back the tears again. 'Do you think I'm a bitch? For keeping all this a secret?'

'No... you had your reasons and I'm not going to judge you for that... you went through hell and that's your business. But I just want to say, you need to tell him. I don't want to be that guy... but it's true.'

I groaned as rested my forehead on the table, exhaling loudly. I felt a reassuring pat on my head, courtesy of Maisie.

'Hes going to be crushed... he's gonna hate me.' I cried, not getting up from the table.

'If he's mad... I'll just tell him a joke. He can't be mad at me, I'm 10, so that would make him mean.' Maisie piped up. I laughed loudly, sniffing and wiping my face free of tears and snot (Nice!) I sat up and pulled her into my lap, squeezing her tightly.

'Do you want to be brave for me? Because I don't feel very brave.' I asked her, my voice muffled and it was pressed into her cardigan

'Sure... do you reckon he'd teach me guitar?' She asked brightly.

'Try and stop him.' Matt chuckled. 'Look, I'll be there, I'll calm him down if needs be. Not going to lie, this will freak him out a lot, but once he settles down. He's gonna be over the moon.' He added.

'Thank you...' I said, still burying my face into Maisie's shoulder.

'But right before a gig though? Come on, that'll just ruin it for everyone.' I said feeling guilty about being quite frankly the biggest distraction in the world.

Matt thought about this, sucking his teeth and then downing the rest of his pint, figuring out a plan of action, this was good as I had no plan going forward except maybe a lot of crying and hyperventilating.

'You're right... well, how about afterwards? I could still get you guys in, you could watch from the sidelines and then we can organise something after.'

'Or we could just do it some other time?' I offered sheepishly, desperate for a chance to escape this.

'Be brave.' Maisie said loudly.

'What she said.' Matt laughed.

'This is bonkers.' I laughed, shaking my head. Seeing Max after all these years has made me feel a number of things: excitement, giddiness, love, and fear. And right now, fear is taking over.

'No, I'll definitely agree with you on that. I just went to get a coffee....' Matt chuckled and ruffled his hair.

'Yeah... I can imagine it's not been easy for you to find this all out.' I said

Matt just shrugged and smiled.

'I think it's awesome. I mean yeah totally batshit crazy, but this is amazing. I'm so happy for you that you've got this amazing kid!' he gestured to Maisie who smiled proudly. 'And I know after it all does down, Max is going to be head over heels in love.'

'I've missed your optimism...' I laughed, memories bursting into my head of past times of our friendship, he got me through the darkest of times with just a joke and a simple pep talk. But I threw all of that away because I was scared.

'Hey! Where'd you go?' Matt whispers and waves his hand in front of my face, pulling me out of the dark descent I was falling into.

'I'm so sorry I left.' I breathed.

'You're back now! That's what we need to focus on.' Matt said reassuringly.

'You think it's going to be so easy don't you? This whole reveal.' I scoffed.

'There's only one way to find out.' Matt said confidently and stood up, outstretching his hand, I just stared at it, my body stuck to the chair. It was Maisie who eventually gripped on and jumped out of my lap and held his hand.

Maybe I should just send Maisie over, she seems to be confident enough to do the whole thing for me. For once, if she could just inherit a tiny bit of my own personality, well... we'd be at the cinema now and blissfully unaware. But no, I had to have a brave child.

I rolled my eyes and stood up, holding out Maisie's backpack to her, she let go of Matt and held out her arms for me to put it on. I downed the last of my drink and suddenly felt uneasy on my legs. This was actually about to happen... this wasn't a dream or some hallucination. I was walking directly into the lions den. As we approached the venue I was plotting an escape route in my mind. Maisie was still small enough to heave over my shoulders and run for the hills. But I kept watching her with Matt, talking a million miles an hour, gleefully jumping up and down, pulling on his shirt I just felt hopeless. For so long I'd denied her the best family she could have all because I was scared and ashamed. There would have been no reason why they wouldn't embrace her with open arms. Hindsight truly is 20/20.

I stopped outside the venue, observing the queue of fans snaking around the end of the street. Maisie stopped and gawped.

"Are you famous?" She asked in amazement, looking up at Matt, who just laughed and shrugged. 

"Very." I said to her, winking at Matt as he ushered us through one of the side doors round the back exit of the venue.

"This place smells." Maisie added as we walked along the corridor.

"God I miss that smell." I laughed giddily, memories of tiny gigs in tiny venues, memories of him, of us laughing so much we were both nearly sick.

"Do you remember when we did that gig in that reallllyyyy dodgy pub? I can't remember where it was-"

"TJ's, in Newport" I interrupted. Visions flooding back to sleeping in this crack den after one of the earlier gigs after we couldn't afford to stay anywhere that night.

I wasn't in the mood to reminisce. I could for hours if I wanted to, I was addicted to those recollections. When I was on my own at night, I think back to how we all were, how I was with him, the adventures we had, the excitement for whatever the future had in store. Those nights all I wanted to do was ring one of them up and just talk nonsense, maybe laugh a little, probably cry a lot. Now I'm next to Matt, a friend who I held so dear to me, and there wasn't anything I could say. I was desperate to fall comfortably back into the way we were. But how can I do that?

"Matt?" I said.

"Yeah?" He replied, happily swinging Maisie's hand.

"I'm sorry. And I missed you so much. Like I can't even begin to explain how much-" I began to babble. Matt stopped me by hugging me again, this time I practically melted into him, wrapping my arms tight around him and burying my head into his shoulder, begging myself not to burst into tears. He stroked my back and I could feel Maisie wrapping herself around my legs, giving me her own reassuring squeeze. She must be so confused....

I broke away and bent down on my knees and opened my arms to her which she gladly jumped into, wrapping her legs and arms around me. I rocked her gently and breathed in her sweet scent, still the same as if she was a baby.

"Matt?" A voice from behind us called out. A familiar voice, a voice that I had both yearned to hear every single day but also dreaded the day I'd hear it again. It was him.

My head snapped up and I saw Max, stood at the other end of the corridor, an amp tucked under one arm, struggling with the weight of it. Matt spun around, concealing Maisie and myself. Oh Christ, this is definitely not how I planned a reunion at all, was I expecting a deep swell of emotional music? A slow-motion run? Me jumping into his arms like we were long-lost lovers? No... reality is never that nice. More likely, this reunion involves waves of anger, resentment, guilt-tripping, and a lot of tears.

"Where have you been, Man? We are about to do soundcheck?" Max asked, slowly making his way over, still not noticing we were even here. Every step he took closer to me, the more intense I could feel my heartbeat, blood pounding in my head, vision getting just slightly more blurry. I squeezed tightly onto Maisie, my life raft with a pair of outrageously colourful dungarees.

"Sorry, I went to get a coffee and bumped into someone." Matt apologised, still not shifting.

Maybe, If I just stay here, I will go unnoticed, maybe if I'm lucky, the ground will open up and swallow me.

"Oh Nice! Who?" Max asked casually, eventually giving up and placing the amp down on the floor, groaning as he released. He was eye-level to me, his eyes caught mine, I stared at him, eyes wide like I was facing an oncoming lorry. I exhaled deeply and willed myself to stand up. I could feel my legs brace themselves as I lifted myself and Maisie up, Max slowly straightening up, never taking his eyes off mine. I could feel Maisie slipping down and I hoisted her up. She was quiet and still, responding to my body tensing up. She looked round to find the cause of this change and looked at Max. She shyly smiled at him.

"Zoe?" Max breathed. His face was littered with confusion, but his eyes remained fixed on my face.

"Hi..." I muttered quietly, gripping tighter onto Maisie.

"Wh-what are you doing here?" He asked, shaking his head.

Matt during this was awkwardly staring at anything that wasn't us, the ceiling, the floor, a fire extinguisher. His hands were curled tightly into fists and his foot began to tap nervously.

"Oh who cares. Come here!" Max exclaimed, stepping closer and outstretching his arms. My body still working separately from my brain, tapped Maisie so she could slink down to the ground, I crashed into him to which he responded by hugging me tightly, lifting me off the ground slightly. He felt different, his body felt fuller, places that used to feel flat were slightly more rounded, he felt stronger. His child-like face just on a more grown up body, not sure if I was expecting for him to feel the same. But nonetheless I could still feel the great warmth radiating from him. At least that never changed.

I felt him lower me down and pull away, his hands first rested on my shoulders and then travelled up to cup my face. I laughed and sniffed, still managing to keep the tears at bay. I placed my hand on his, pushing his own further into the curve of my cheek.

"It's been what? 10 years? Oh my god! It's so amazing to see you! You look great!" He exclaimed quickly, his eyes scanning every inch of my face.

I just nodded, my hand stoking the top of his. I had lost all ability to speak.

I then felt a tug on my jeans. I broke my gaze away and saw Maisie staring up at me, tugging impatiently, she then looked at Max, whose eyes followed mine to look at her. He released my face and used them to run through his hair. He smiled at Maisie and then pointed at her.

"Who's this cutie?" He asked kindly. To that Maisie blushed and giggled, taking a step behind me.

"My name is Maisie..." She beamed, flashing him a grin, showing off numerous gaps in her teeth.

"Oh nice to meet you! I'm Max." He replied, holding out a hand for her to shake, but Maisie just stared at it, unsure what to do. She then frowned and looked up at me.

"Isn't that what my Dad's called?" She asked curiously.

Oh. fuck.


	3. Chapter 3

Max laughed and then his brows knitted together, his smile slowly fading, colour draining from his face. I just stared at him helplessly, Matt looking at both of us, mouth wide open… I could see him slowly edge away in the corner of my eye. 

“What?” Max asked quietly, raising his eyebrows at me. My mouth fell open, but I struggled to form a sentence, instead a strangled gasp rose up from my throat. 

“Do you play guitar?” Maisie asked him innocently. Max just nods, the cogs turning in his head. 

“Well, that must mean you are, Mum says that my Dad plays guitar, I didn’t know your name until today, but apparently he’s called Max. She also said you had funny hair. But your hair is normal. So is there another Max?” She questioned impatiently, folding her arms in frustration. 

I took a deep breath and reached down to pick her up. 

“Maisie… this is your Dad.” I told her, urging her to look at him. He just stared, mouth open, brows furrowed and all colour has fallen from his face, turning his skin a sickly white.

“You’re joking right? She can’t be…”

I just nodded sheepishly. 

“There’s a lot we need to talk about…” I said. 

Max just nodded wearily. He looked like he was about to faint, or throw up. Quite a normal reaction to find out you had an estranged daughter you didn’t know about. I imagine this is all very textbook as far as these things go. 

“Is there somewhere we can talk? Or is this a bad time?” I asked, mainly aiming that last question at Matt, who was wishing he was anywhere else at this moment. He snapped back into reality and stepped forward. 

“Definitely. We can push soundcheck back, why don't you head out? Go for a walk or an air clear? I can take Maisie and show her about?”

“Would that be alright?” I questioned, my eyes darting back towards Max, who was staring at Maisie with the same shock and fear of someone looking at a bomb that was about to detonate. 

“Oh hell yeah! Hey, Maisie do you want to come with me and I can show you all the instruments we have?” He asked her gently. Without hesitation, Maisie began to wriggle in my grip so I could let her down. She grabbed onto Matt’s hand and started to pull him down the corridor.

“Be careful!” I shouted to her, and then mouthed a thank you at Matt, who just smiled and let himself be pulled along by her. Maybe a slight lapse in my parenting, letting her go off with a complete stranger. But, he was practically family a long time ago… and I guess is now too. Plus, I imagine separating her and Max, may make it easier to process. I watched them exit the corridor to the sounds of Maisie’s excited giggling reeling off her coca-cola facts from earlier. Max hadn’t moved. He swayed slightly on the spot, his eyes glazed over. I waved my hand in front of his eyes and he blinked in response.

“Please tell me this is a joke? She’s not mine right?” He said pleadingly. 

“I’m afraid so…” I said 

Max began to laugh hysterically, looking around the corridor, I’m not sure what he was looking for, probably the quickest exit possible. Doesn't sound like that bad of an idea. 

"Look Max, I-" I began to say but he cut me off by taking my hand and pulling me toward the door I had just came through, he was practically marching, I struggled to keep up with him so I had to change into a light jog to avoid my arm being pulled out of my socket. As we came out of the door, Max made a sharp right turn into a back alley. He let go of my hand and reached into his pocket, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He slumped against the wall and slid down it until he reached the floor, propping his legs up. 

He lights a cigarette and inhales deeply before passing the packet to me. I haven't smoked in years but find myself taking the packet and the lighter from him and lighting one myself and take a long drag as if second nature. I exhale dreamily as I too, slumped against the wall and slide down next to him, feeling the rush of nicotine wash over my synapses. 

"So… " Max begins, taking another drag to gain courage to speak. 

"So…" I replied, doing the same. I looked at him as he stared off into the middle distance, his brows knitted together in blatant confusion. 

"Why are you here? Sorry, that was rude, how come you're here?" Max asked, still not looking at me. 

I chuckled at his politeness and shrugged.

"Complete and utter coincidence. I’ve lived here for about four years now? And I bumped into Matt whilst we were out and it kinda snowballed from there. If I was a stronger person I wouldn't have come. So I'm sorry for barging in." I explained.

Max just shook his head.

"How come you live here?' He questioned.

"I went to uni here and liked it enough to stay, got a good job, houses are reasonable and well… Maisie was already in school by then so it felt mean to move her" I felt so guilty talking about her, which is ridiculous because of course the one person I shouldn't feel like this with, i.e her father. But it still feels wrong, unfair to mention her so casually. 

"Does she like school?" Max asked quietly. 

I was taken aback by the question somewhat, out of all the questions to ask, he went with how she perceived her education. Well I suppose maybe there were too many questions to ask, and this one caused the less amount of pain.

"Oh she loves it! Too smart for her own good. Is in so many clubs, very nearly top of her class…" I trail off, fighting off the pride rising in my stomach.

"That's… really great Zoe. Honestly it's brilliant." Max nodded, still not looking at me. 

"Yeah! Thankfully haven't fucked her up as much as my mum had done by this point. Christ knows how." I said, batting off the painful memories of childhood I'd managed to all but repress feel within.

We stay silent for what feels like an age. Slowly dragging on our cigarettes until they are down to the butt. I stub out the raining ash and squashed it between my fingers, Max let's his burn away, dangling between his fingers. 

"Tour going okay?" I ask stupidly, at a loss for how else to break to silence. 

"Pretty fun… then again they always are.I anticipated a nice normal show then go into the next place and so on..." He replies, flicking his cigarette away and reached in his pocket for some chewing gum. He neglects to pass any to me though and I now long for something to take away the horrible taste the cigarette has left behind in my mouth. Feels rude to ask though. I neglected to tell him he had a child, can't really ask for some chewing gum. Might send him over the edge. He stands up and brushes off his jeans and begins to pace.

"Do you want to ta-" I begin to say, biting the bullet and steering the conversation to the more serious matter at hand. Anything to get him to look at me really. But I was interrupted by Max. 

"How can you not tell me?! Like did it ever cross your mind to let me know?" He shouted, his voice breaking slightly as his pitch rose higher.

I clenched my jaw and my fists, willing it to be an invisible barrier for what's probably going to be an onslaught of abuse and anger. I feel like shit. I prayed for the ground to swallow me up or a truck to plough into us both so this conversation never has to happen. Instead, I just sit there on the floor waiting for the onslaught of guilt.

"You just left! With no word, no explanation! Nothing! Do you realise what that did to me? I didn’t know what to do? I tried your mum, got nothing, college had no clue. It was like you’d died or something!...” Max shouted, his voice remaining loud and hoarse, his pacing had sped up and I just watched helplessly. 

“And here we are, 10 years later, after I’d finally begun to forget about you and move on with my life, you turn up out of the blue, and inform me that I have a kid?! Does this not seem odd to you?” He asked, his face becoming redder. 

“In my defence… this is not what I wanted at all!” I said back, trying my hardest to blink back tears beginning to form. 

“That’s not a very good defence, you’re going to have to come up with a much better excuse.” Max spat at me. “This isn’t what you wanted? What so you were just never going to reach out and tell me? Do you not think I deserve to know?!”

“Yes! Of course you deserve to know! Look I know nothing I’m ever going to say is going to make up for what I did or what I’m currently doing. I’m sorry okay! You have no idea how much. It kills me knowing that you didn’t know. It’s not been easy for me either okay? I have wanted to tell you from the minute she was born.” I cried, bringing my knees up to my chest and hugged them close, I buried my head onto my knees and let the tears flow freely. 

"Then why didn't you?! Did you think that little of me?" He retorted, brushing off the fact I was crying. I lifted my head up and frowned at him.

"You had no idea what was going on then…" I whisper

"And whose fault was that?!' Max shouted. “I’m not that stupid to not step up if you needed me! Christ Zoe she is 10 years old, what have you even told her about me?!”

“Very little…” I admit, seeing his face become crestfallen, maybe he could have taken solace in the fact that throughout her life, I’ve told her stories about the cheeky live-wire Max was to everyone, how caring he was, how he was living his best life, making music and as a result of that, making everyone happy. But I didn’t. I denied both of them that, for the very selfish reason that it hurt too much to talk about him. The guilt I felt whenever I looked at her all but paralysed me. I couldn’t talk about him to stupidly convince myself he didn’t exist. 

“Why? Didn’t she ever ask why her Dad wasn’t around?” Max said in confusion.  
“Not really, I mean she’s always understood it was just me and her… when she got a bit older I told her small things, I didn’t want to confuse her or upset her. She’s not stupid though, she knows she has a Dad.” I explain.

“Just nothing about me.” He scoffed and reached for another cigarette and tried to light it, but his lighter refused to make a flame. He groans as he struggles to light it, and ends up throwing it against the wall in anger, causing the plastic and flint to shatter on the ground. I flinch slightly but remain composed. The tears had stopped now, but my face was still damp. I quickly wipe my cheeks and nose with my sleeve. Somehow I felt calmer now everything was out in the open. It can’t get worse from now on I suppose. 

“You know? I have thought so much about seeing you again and picturing what that what would be like.” Max begins again, laughing a little now. He shakes his head and takes the cigarette out of his mouth and points it towards me, an extension of his already very accusing finger. 

“But never in my wildest dreams would have I ever pictured this! Like far from it. You were always so caged in, mysterious, but this is taking the piss a bit Zoe.” He concludes. 

It was now my turn to scoff, letting a smile break through. 

“Come off it, I was hardly mysterious. I told you everything!” I replied. 

“Well we both know that’s bullshit. Exhibit A I have a daughter that you purposely hid from me.” He said angrily. 

Yup, that’s entirely fair. But at one time, he was my best friend, little boy holding little girls hand. A love that changed as we did, invincible children battling imaginary forces, to vulnerable teenagers scared of growing up and facing life, confusion with our bodies and each other, battling the very real demons of our feelings for each other. 

I too pictured what it would be like seeing Max again. In another life when Maisie was not in the picture, no obligations, complete freedom. We bump into each other on a crowded street, eyes locking through the sea of people, the joy surging through the both of us, being reunited against all odds and carrying on as if we hadn’t grown up and moved on. That thought excites me and is where my mind often goes to on the nights when I’m alone. But reality quickly snaps me back, I remember that I’m not in a rom-com and go on with normal life. 

“Zoe?” Max’s voice brings me back to the conversation, I realised I hadn’t retorted to his latest dig. He bends down to my level and waves a hand in front of my face. I just blinked at him at a loss for words. 

“I-I’m… sorry okay? There are a thousand reasons why I did what I did. I can list them all for you if you want? But I guarantee they aren’t going to make you feel better. To be honest I don’t really know what to do or say to make you feel better. There’s probably nothing I will ever be able to say. I didn’t even want to come but Matt wouldn’t take no for an answer. I'm sorry for turning up like this. So I’m just going to get Maisie and we are going to go home.” I said, shuffling and standing up, Max shot straight up and grabbed my arm as I turned towards the door back into the venue.

“Max, let me go.” I sighed, tugging my arm away. Max just turned to stand in front of me. I rolled my eyes and stared at him. His face had lost all traces of anger, only to be replaced by desperation. 

“No, you’re not just dropping this bombshell and leave again. You’re not doing that to me again…” he said sadly. My stomach dropped. I never really thought about what me leaving did to him. My focus on the pregnancy did put him on the back burner. I stupidly expected he would just grow out of needing me and not even care. We were just teenagers, and teenagers change their affections like the weather. I never thought about how much he’d be affected by it. Nor had I had the time or energy to dwell on that. 

I allowed myself to take in his features, truly see how they have changed over the years, the subtle introduction of age lines that had appeared around his eyes and on his forehead, his lower face covered in a light patchy scruff. I’d obviously seen what he looks like over the past years, it was hard to avoid him, which sent into a pit of despair every time I did. But seeing it in person was still a shock. I half expected and wanted him to look the same as he did before, no evidence of pain or anguish. Just completely innocent and lovely. 

“I shouldn’t have come…” I whispered, breaking my stare and looking at the floor. 

“No…” Max admitted, looking ashamed at his words. 

That hurt. As conflicting as this conversation was going, a big part of me wanted him to admit it was a good thing that this is happening. Maybe a ‘better late than never’. But I’m somewhat relieved that he is less than enthused. Makes it easier to break away and sever any ties.

“I need to go. I’m sorry about everything. But you don’t have to worry about this. You don’t need to be involved at all. You can just forget this ever happened and carry on with your life. It will be easier for everyone if this is just forgotten about.” I say. I step away from Max and head towards the door to the venue. Max doesn’t follow, just stands frozen to the spot.

“Is that really what you think is best? For Her?” He asks. 

“Not trying to be rude, but I think I know what is best for Maisie okay, she is my daughter.” I argued, pulling the door open. 

“She’s mine too! Do I not get a say?” He exclaimed, finally springing into movement as he heard the door open. 

“Not really no! You don’t even know anything about her or me now. I don’t want you involved.” I say, entering the venue and begin walking down the corridor in search of Maisie. I heard the squeaking of shoes and the door slam, Max was running after me now. I sped up my pace which he caught up to quickly. 

“Then why fucking come?!” He shouted, trying to grab my shoulder to slow me down but I shrugged it off and continued walking.

“I don’t know! I didn’t want to! Okay fine, maybe I wanted you to meet her, maybe you knowing about her was the thing I wanted most. But now? I know how stupid and messy that would be. That’s not fair on her at all. We have managed perfectly fine without you and we can carry on to do so!” I shouted. Hearing the sounds of guitars and drums and laughing get closer and closer and ran towards the main stage. 

Maisie was there, sat perched near the drum set, hitting the cymbal and laughing with… Dan. I was really lacking energy in a joyous reunion with old friends. Maisie saw me and smiled cheerfully at me and waved, drumstick in hand. Dan looked over to me and his mouth dropped in shock. 

“Zoe!” He exclaimed. I smiled quickly at him. 

“Hey, long time no see. Maisie, we are going, let’s go.” I said curtly and ushered her over to me.

“But, Uncle Dan was gonna teach me how to keep a beat!” She whined, looking downtrodden. 

I was taken aback by the casual way she described Dan as an ‘Uncle’ as if he deserved it right off the bat, having invested no time whatsoever in Maisie’s life. Sure, he had no knowledge of her until half an hour ago, but it annoyed me how quickly she warmed to them, oblivious of how much that hurt. 

“Maisie…” I began sternly. “It’s time to go home.” I said and instantly she slid off the seat and walked over by my side, her bottom lip quivered and she blinked quickly to avoid crying in front of strangers. She’d most likely let it rip as soon as we were alone. I hated that I was going to be pinned as the bad parent after all of this. Dan watched after her sadly and then looked at me cluelessly. I shook my head at him, signalling him that I wasn’t in the mood to talk or reminisce. Matt came over, holding a glass of water, probably intended for Maisie. He saw me and shot me a hopeful glance. I ignored it and took hold of Maisie's hand. 

“Everything okay?” Matt asked cautiously, taking in my flustered and distressed expression. His eyes scanned behind me for Max, who had yet to appear. Not sure where he went, but I don’t want to know. I just want to leave.

“No, not really. We’re going. I knew I shouldn’t have come and I was stupid to listen to you.” I said bluntly and began to head for the door, dragging Maisie in tow. “It was good to see you again Matt. I hope the show goes well.” I called out to him and rushed towards the door, not giving him the chance to reply. 

We burst through the door and we rushed back down the corridor towards the exit. No sign of Max, no sign of anyone running after us. Good. The quicker we got out of this place the better. 

Once we were clear of the venue and nearer to the car park, Maisie stopped dead in her tracks and folded her arms, frowning up at me. Why did I have the horrible feeling I was going to get lectured by a 10 year old?

“You were mean.” She stated. 

“I know. It’s not a nice colour on me is it?” I admitted, fumbling in my bag for my car keys. She shook her head. 

“I was having fun. Uncle Matt-” She began to say but I rose a finger and shook my head, silencing her.

“He’s not your Uncle, so please don’t start calling him that.” I sigh and walk towards the car. “Are you coming or are you just going to stand there and sulk?” I propose, unlocking the car. I could see her mull this dilemma over, weighing up the idea of her warm home, cozy pyjamas, potentially getting a takeaway, or standing in the middle of car park alone. She quickly ran over to the car, caving in and climbed in the back doing up her seat belt dutifully. 

As i got in and started the car, turning on the heaters, I caught Maisie outraged glare in the rear-view mirror. I rolled my eyes and turned to look at her direclty. 

“Use your words, what do you want to say?” I say to her.

“Why couldn’t we stay? I was having fun.” She huffed. 

“I’m glad one of us was, I however had a terrible time.” I said, turned back around and reversed out of the car space and made my way to the exit of the car park.

“Was he not very nice?” She asked, careful not to use the word ‘Dad’ considering how negatively I reacted to the ‘Uncle’ Debacle. 

“He was… a lot of things. Angry, upset, confused…” I began to explain, but Maisie’s attention had been drawn from me towards the vibrant Christmas lights that decorated the streets of Southampton. She gazed up at them in awe and I realised this was her way of avoided a hard adult discussion. Adult emotions don't interest her at all, seems like a big waste of time and the majority of adults are ‘silly’. 

“Maisie… did you want to meet him? Your Dad I mean.” I ask cautiously.

“Ummmmmmmmmmm.” She begins. “I’m not sure. He didn’t really seem that interested in meeting me.” She said. 

“He might’ve… If we stayed. He could have gotten to know you.” I offered, beginning to second guess my decision of leaving so abruptly, without even taking into account what she wanted. Another tick on the bad parent list, which I’m ashamed to say has grown a lot today. 

“Yeah, but what if he didn’t?” Maisie replied, still transfixed by the lights we drove by. 

She has a good point. He didn’t really show much of a need to see her, if anything he was probably wishing today never happened and he had had a nice normal show just like he wanted. Me leaving was probably a good thing for once. 

“Maisie, I’m really sorry you had to go through this today. Believe me, this is not what I wanted out of today.” I begin to apologise to her, growing more and more concerned that I had scarred my daughter into an identity crisis and cause her to have severe daddy issues that she would then vent to scary older men on the internet, or stupid teenage boys that would lead her down the wrong path. 

“I had fun! I liked all the instruments. But they didn't have a cello though, so I couldn't show how good I was.” She said brightly. 

I had to laugh. 

“You mean the only thing you’re sad about is that you couldn't show off to a bunch of strangers?” I giggle as we pull up towards a red light. 

“They aren’t strangers though!” She pouted.

“They are… even to me and I used to be really close to those guys.” I explain. 

“You can’t be strangers if you know them.” Maisie argued. 

“Trust me, you can.” I say flatly.


	4. Chapter 4

“Night kiddo.” I whisper and give her a quick wave which she reciprocates sleepily before burrowing under her duvet. I switch the light off and pull her bedroom door to. 

I feel deflated beyond all means. I proceed to float around the house with no real purpose, there was no housework to be done, which for once I was annoyed about. No marking to be done, because for once I was stupidly organised to leave as much free time for the weekend as possible. In the end I just gravitate towards the fridge and pull out a beer. I open it and sink into the nearest chair available at the dining room table. I take a long swig, annoyed that it barely touches the sides. I rest my head on the table and groaned deeply.

Today has been one of the worst for a while. I replay my shouting match with Max in my head over and over again until it’s just white noise. I’m not really sure how else I expected it to go. He was rightfully angry with me, and instead of trying to resolve it, I closed ranks and ran away. Seemed like a perfectly good idea at the time, now I’m unsure. I’d kept Maisie and my whereabouts a secret from him for years, if anything he reacted exactly how he should and i should have sat there and took it all. But I just couldn’t take it. I faced so much judgement ever since I found out I was pregnant. Always that I was ‘too young’ or ‘too stupid’ and my favourite ‘i’ll never be able to cope’. But I’ve coped just fine. Maisie is happy, healthy and the greatest thing I've done in my life. I refuse to let other people shout at me for the decisions I had to make. 

I just hate the thought of Max being angry with me. He’s not an angry person. He is sweet and gentle and would never hurt anyone. So the fact he was so angry with me, meant I’d messed up to an extraordinary length. I pushed down the feelings of guilt and lifted my head up and downed the rest of my beer, exhaling. 

I was still at a loss with how to approach this with Maisie. She was so nonchalant about the whole thing. You’d think meeting your estranged father for the first time would send your head spinning. But she just approached everything with a calmness that I’ve never been able to master. It was like it was just meeting a stranger off the street. I mean, technically he was. They all were, Matt, Dan, gosh I hadn’t even stopped to see if Josh and Chris were there too. I tried bringing it up more after we got home and after she had some more time to assess the situation but she still didn;t view it as a big deal. I waited for the onslaught of questions, maybe a freakout, possibly a few tears. I was even expecting a declaration of how I was a shit mother. But nothing. She just asked if i was okay. To her, the events of today rated about a 6/10. She was more annoyed that we didn’t go to the cinema. 

With that she went to bed with no further questions and I was left clueless with how to process what had happened. I’d considered calling Ellie, my friend and colleague from the school. She had a daughter the same age as Maisie and we had become close when I started working at the school, she would know exactly what to say, but it was too late to call now and I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Like with most people I interact with, all they know is Maisie’s dad is not and has never been in the picture. There’s no need to bore them with the tragic details of my past cowardice. I was at a loss and I was now mad I didn’t stock my fridge up with the right amount of alcohol to drown my sorrows

I brainstormed in my head how to bring up the discussion with Maisie tomorrow. Maybe finally explain what happened all those years ago, tell her all about Max. Invite her to ask any questions she wants, prepare for potential tantrums, identity and any other fallouts. I felt like she deserved that at least. Maybe I should stop running from this after all. 

There was a sudden knock at the front door, quiet, but still urgent enough in rhythm. I frown and get up to go answer it, rifling through my head to work out who it could be, but draw a blank. I take the chain off the door and open it.

It was Max. arm leant against the frame off the door. I stood there shocked, confused as to how he was here, or even why. My heart was beating so fast I was scared it was going to burst through my chest. 

“How are you here?” I breathed, careful to keep my voice to not rouse Maisie. “How did you even know where I was? Did you follow me?” I questioned.

“No… Matt told me.” He said, still yet to look at me directly, choosing to focus his gaze on the wood of the door, and then his shoes. 

“But I never told him…” I began to protest and trail off, I groaned and knocked my head against   
the door in realisation. Maisie. 

“Yeah, she invited Matt round to see her cello at some point. After the show, he told me and I wasn’t going to come, but I didn;t want to stay where I was. Next thing I know I’m here.” He explained. 

“She was miffed that you guys didn;t have one. She’s obsessed.” I admit, feeling slightly betrayed by her for revealing something like this to someone she barely knows. I’ll add it to the list of lectures I should probably give to her. 

Max’s face doesn’t change. It remains serious and oddly determined, maybe a little flustered. He was on auto-pilot. I open the door wider and clear a path for him to enter. He just stares cluelessly at my outstretched hand. 

“Are you going to come in? I’m assuming you want to, otherwise you wouldn’t have come.” I say.

“I don’t really know why I’m here.” He replied, scuffed his shoe on the doormat. 

“Well, you’re more than welcome. It’s freezing out there and it’s expensive to heat a home. I have beer.” I offer. 

That sparks his attention, he finally looks at me and then steps into the house. Stuffing his hands into his pockets, close the door behind him and take a deep breath, trying to muster up some bravery from deep in the reserves of my body. 

“I will say this though.” I begin casually, watching him look around the hallway, eyes avoiding the numerous pictures of Maisie that littered the walls. He was at a loss so he had no choice but to look at me. 

“If you’re here to shout at me some more. Fair do’s I definitely deserve it. But Maisie is asleep so I urge you to keep your voice down. Plus it’s been a hard day so i’m not sure how much shouting I could take.” I explain. 

“I’m not here to shout. I don;t want to shout or fight or anything like that.” Max said quietly. “ I just… I wanted to see you.” He admitted. 

I was taken aback by that. Out of all the things he could want, seeing me was the reason he;d driven over here. I find that hard to believe. From how he was acting earlier, I’d be more accepting if he hated me. I could accept that. What I was struggling to accept is how he could come to my house, waving a white flag of surrender, just to see me?

“Why? From how I acted earlier and definitely how you acted, I thought you’d want nothing more to do with me.” I questioned. 

“Look, I’m sorry for how I acted earlier I shouldn’t have shouted.” He said

“No. You were perfectly in your right to shout. It was me that was out of order. Everything I’ve done has been out of order really.” I interrupt. Trying to absolve myself of this horrible feeling of guilt at any opportunity. Max holds up a hand to stop me.

“Please stop apologising.” he pleads. 

“Right. Sorry.” I reply stupidly. I extend my hand again towards the kitchen, I walk past him, leading the way, but he remains still. 

“Did you want that beer?” I asked. He nods and follows me into the kitchen. I open the fridge and pull out two more bottles, opening them and handing one over to him, which he takes gratefully. I take a swig and lean against the countertop, he continues to stand awkwalry, clutching the bottle tightly. 

“Did the show go okay?” I asked, breaking the silence, offering an ease into what is probably going to be a difficult conversation. Max just nods and sips the beer. 

“Yeah, went well considering.” he shrugged. Good, lovely awkward answer to add to the stifling atmosphere he had bought into the house. 

“That’s… good. I’m glad it went well.” I say, lifting myself up to sit on the countertop, lightly bouncing my legs on the cupboard door. “Max, please sit down, you’re making me nervous stood there.” I order. At the sound of his name he snapped into action and dutifully sat down at the table. He takes a deep breath and follows up with taking a large gulp of beer, I’m assuming to gain courage. 

“Zoe. My head is in pieces right now. I don’t know what to do.” He said, placing the bottle on the table and ran his hands through his hair, stretching back. “I don’t know what to think, what to say?” He reeled off. I just sit quietly and sympathetically, using my silence as an indicator for him to carry on and vent. 

“Is she happy Like is she okay and everything? I’m not really sure the right questions to ask.” He asked nervously. I frowned at the question, not fully understanding who he was referring to. 

“Who, Maisie?” I asked. Max just nodded. 

“Yeah of course! She’s perfect. Always been happy, far too smart for her own good, runs rings around me half the time.” I laugh. “ But no, she is happy, she’s fine. We are fine.” I say. To that Max nods, allowing a small smile to creep onto his face, but only briefly, and his regains composure. It was a relief to see him smile again, even just for a minute. He was not a person that suited being upset or angry, which only added more to the guilt. Because it was me that caused that. I was the reason his usual spark was lost in his face, and it killed me to see it. Having him here after so many years felt...natural? It felt like this is where he should have always been. But I denied him of that because I was scared. 

“Is that hers?” He points to the painting framed on the fridge next to me. It was Maisie’s interpretation of a family portrait that consisted of myself, her and a rabbit drawn comically large she had when she was four, a extravagant birthday present admittedly, but she had spent too long transfixed by the rabbits in the local pet shop. I caved and it became her constant companion. I even allowed it in the house from time to time, and she was so careful to clean up after it’s mess. She was devastated when it got loose from it’s hutch and we could never find him. I has suspicions of foxes, but tired to play it off that the poor rabbit had escaped to be with it’s fellow woodland creatures to go on adventures. She didn’t buy it and now has a vendetta against all foxes. I offered to get her a new rabbit, but she was deep in mourning and couldn’t face another one. I smiled internally of the memory, how proud she was of the drawing and how it had gained pride of place on the fridge that was already littered with photos of us and many of her other drawings she brings home. I wanted to tell Max the story of the rabbit, but I felt there was a better time. 

Whilst I was deep in thought, Max had gotten out of his chair and had made his way over to the fridge to inspect the drawings closer. I watched him, trying to gain insight into his feelings by the look on his face. But nothing, he just stared at the drawings and then pulled off a picture of Maisie on her 7th Birthday, smiling behind a cake full of candles, party hats askew on her head. 

“I always thought she looked like you.” I whispered gently, trying not to set him off. Max stares at the picture and chuckles softly. 

“Nah, she’s all you.” he replies. “Come on, she’s got your eyes, definitely has your smile.” He claims, holding the picture out to me. I shake my head and take it from him.

“Nope, I can maybe agree on the smile, but those are your eyes, 100%.” I say smiling at the picture, warmth growing in the pit of my stomach at the joy on her face, and then further warmth at the sugar high she suffered from that cake. Max was closer to me now to look at the picture in my hands, so close I could feel his breath on my cheek. I didn’t dare move my head. 

“So she was seven here, and that’s when she started learning cello in school. Out of all the bloody instruments, she chose that one, despite it being way bigger than her. I don;t know I think she liked the challenge. People from my work all chipped in and got her a cello of her own.” I explained. 

“Where do you work?” Max asked, by this point his arm was pressed against mine, his breathing was quiet, but I could still feel the warmth brushing past my neck. 

“I’m a teacher, Primary Ed.” I answer. 

“That’s awesome, what you’d always wanted…” He chuckles. “I’m glad you got there.”

“Took a long time, but yeah.” I shrug, cringing at the compliment which I did not deserve. He shouldn’t be nice to me, he should be kicking and screaming, maybe breaking some furniture. I could deal with that. What I couldn’t deal with was him being this close. It was stirring up some feelings that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. Did he feel it too?

“She’s beautiful, Zoe.” Max said and I could feel him bring himself closer to me. I finally bring myself to lift my head to look at him and he’s now staring at me, his face inches away from mine. I blinked and watched him take in my face, there was no indication on his face for what he was thinking or even feeling at this point. I swallow and I could feel my breath become heavier as I watched his face watch mine. 

“Are you-” I begin to whisper but am cut off by Max cupping my face with his hands and kiss me. I fall back slightly from the shock but Max just pulls me in closer. I feel him move his body so it’s pressed against mine now. I let myself melt into the kiss, which has become more urgent and longing. His hands moved from my face down to my hips and i felt his grip tighten around them. I didn’t know what to do with my legs, the only position for them to go was wrapped around his waist. Max broke away to catch his breath, he looked down quickly at our now intertwined bodies and his lips met mine again. I was unsure what to do, but I knew I didn’t want it to be over any time soon. I shared the urgency I felt in Max and tried to shake off the thought in the back of my head that this was a bad idea, that there were too many emotions and problems that needed to be resolved. When maybe this was the exact antidote we both needed. 

Max’s hands lifted to the buttons on my shirt and I could feel him struggling to undo them, his determination triumphed though and he ended up tearing it apart, causing a small clatter of the buttons lading on the counter and floor. Max groaned which caused me to shiver and I could feel my own hands tug his jacket and then his shirt. I gasped as his body touched mine, it felt so different, but so familiar. I gripped onto him and he pulled me off the counter so he was holding me in the air. I tightened my legs grip and I could feel his stagger backwards and fall into the table. We laughed breathlessly and he moved so I was now held against the wall. 

This was all so strange, feeling Max transition from gentle caresses here and there to tight grabs as if he didn't know the right parts of my body. I too struggled with what to do with my hands, I knew it was Max, we had been down this road before, but everything felt so different, both of our bodies had changed so much so we were just left scrambling around trying to explore and experience any type of familiarity of our past selves. 

I could still feel anger in him, mixed with desperation to be as close to me as possible, he felt stronger, more assured than he once was. We were less like bumbling teenagers now and I had to laugh, causing Max to stop what he was doing a look at me, raising his eyebrows.

"What?" He said, his voice hushed, using this opportunity to catch his breath. I shook my head, still in a fit of giggles. I unwrap my legs from his waist and he lets me down onto the floor. I take a moment to look at us both, Max stood, now shirtless and trying to catch his breath, curious as to why I halted things. I forgot my shirt was open and I wrapped it around myself, suddenly feeling a wave of self-consciousness. It's realistically nothing he hasn't seen before, but still. 

"What are we doing?" I asked.

Max shrugged and laughed, folding his arms.

"I don't know… it kinda came out of nowhere didn't it?" He admitted. 

"A bit yeah…" I say. "Those are new." nodding at the tattoos that littered his arms, barely leaving an inch of bare skin. He looks at them as if he's just discovering they are there himself. 

'Oh yeah, too much?" He asked.

“No! Not at all, dare I say you’re a bonafide rock star.” I joke and grin michevisously.

“Yeah maybe.” He laughs and trails off and he steps away from me, arms still folded, he too was feeling very aware he has half naked in my kitchen. 

“Look, I’m not really complaining, at all. But we really shouldn’t be doing this.” I say, starting to re-button my shirt, then realising most of the buttons were strewn all over the floor, Max notices this and gives me his shirt that was on the floor and proceeds to put his jacket on, zipping it up to the top. God this felt oddly familiar, wearing his shirt after a fumbling encounter. I ignore the flashbacks and pull his shirt over my head.

“You’re right, sorry I’m not really sure what came over me. It’s just, I haven't been able to get you outta my head and seeing you today, kinda just…” He trailed off and sighed, sitting back down on the chair. I walk over to the chair next to him and sit down, really wishing I had more alcohol now.

“Likewise, but last time we did that, that happened.” I joked and pointed to the ceiling where Maisie’s room lay above. Max stares up at the ceiling and begins to laugh. 

“Christ… this is crazy. Like all of this is crazy. I swear not five minutes ago we were 17 and all we really had to worry about was that fucking English exam.” He continues to laugh, however his face was just weary. 

“I’m in complete agreement with you. I swear it was yesterday that she was born.” I shake my head and try and not let the existential dread kick in that I had a 10 year old daughter and adult responsibilities when in reality, I’m still a kid myself. (Okay on the wrong side of 25 but I didn’t get the chance to experience growing up the normal way up, so emotionally I’m just as stunted as poor, knocked-up 17 year old me.)

“When was she born?” Max asked.

“21st of February.” I replied. 

“Was your Mum with you then? Like whilst you were giving birth?” He pushes.

“Um, no. It was a lady called Emma. She was on the same bus as me when I went into labour. Lovely woman, I still feel sorry for her. Think I nearly broke her hand.” I say, remembering the poor woman donating her very expensive scarf to act as a barrier between me and the floor as my waters broke on the number 27 bus on the way back to the hostel. She was concerned I was on my own so came with me to the hospital and was there right through until Maisie was born. She keeps in touch, a card and ridiculously pricey present to Maisie every Christmas and Birthday. 

“You were on your own? Wait… you gave birth on a bus?! Where was your Mum?” Max began to inquire in a panic. 

“What? No, gave birth in hospital. Went into labour on the bus. And as for my Mum, well she kicked me out when I refused to get an abortion. Haven’t heard from her since. She’s never even seen Maisie. I lived at a young woman's hostel until Maisie was about 3?.” I explain.

To me, this story was as casual as the morning weather, I’d completely desensitized myself from the fear and shame I felt when I was there, I understand now how valuable that place was to me, not to mention all the other girls who were homeless and pregnant. I was forever grateful for that place. But for Max hearing it for the first time, he reacted as expected: face white, mouth hanging open in dismay.

“She kicked you out?!” He cried. “Not even then did you think about coming to me? Or Matt? Josh? Fuck sake even Dan? His house was huge!” He protested, counting the guys off on his fingers in disbelief. “Instead of coming to us, you went to a hostel, when you knew full well that there was support there for you!” He said accusingly. 

I raise my hands in defence. “Please! What support? By that time you were gallivanting around venue to venue living your dream! Not to mention you were too busy fucking Jessica Davies!” I shout, forgetting to lower my voice. I reel back instantly. Shouldn’t have bought up Jessica Davies. That bitch. Always a sore spot. 

“I wasn’t fucking her!” Max argues. 

“Yes you fucking were! I saw you! In the toilets of the fucking Roebuck. I came to find you to tell you that night! But you were rather preoccupied. I didn’t think it was right revealing you were going to be a dad whilst you were pile driving her in the disabled cubicle!” I scream at him. Getting up to pace around the kitchen, trying to vent some anger that had now rose through my body. I wasn't a fan of this already

Max didn’t retort. He stayed silent. It was now his turn to look guilty. His face had turned from white to bright red and he looks down at his feet. 

“Let me paint you a little picture Max. You said you loved me, we had sex. You then left to go on tour. I didn’t hear from you for a month. I called you, you just ignored me. I found out I was pregnant, naturally, I freaked out. You still neglected to answer my calls. You come home, finally get a hold of Matt, he tells me your plans for the evening, I walk in on you and her having sex, I go home, tell my Mum I’m pregnant, she is furious and demands I get an abortion. She literally drives me to the doctors herself, I bolt, not wanting to go through with it. She then proceeds to tell me I’m no longer welcome in her house. I then go over to your house, with a bag of whatever shit I could grab quickly. You were not there. Your mum said you were on a lovely little date with no other than Jessica. Fucking. Davies. So don’t you dare say I didn’t fucking try.” I spat at him, stopping to catch my breath. Wow, hadn’t shouted like that in a while. It’s very rare that I lose my cool, not even with Maisie, she never acted up enough to warrant a full blown bollocking. Have to say as nervous as it made me shouting like this. I felt better, like somehow this absolved me from all wrongdoing. 

“Need I remind you. I said I loved you and then you didn’t fucking say it back!” Max shouted back, almost whiny. 

I roll my eyes and laugh. 

“I wasn’t ready to! You can’t just expect people to feel exactly the same as you just because you declare it. It doesn’t work that way!” I snapped back at him.

“What so you just slept with me anyway? Even though you didn’t love me?” He shouts, now as enraged as me.

“Oh, so you loved Jessica Davies as well?! Is that why you slept with her?” I say with mock sympathy. 

Max opens his mouth to argue back, but he is at a loss for words, he thinks through his reply carefully. 

“Okay, fine. I didn’t love her. But it doesn’t change the fact that I did love you.” He replied, voice quieter now. 

“Oh truly great way of showing it. And I did fucking love you.” I say and turn my back on him, leaning against the sink, trying to regain my cool. 

“Why are you both shouting! I’m trying to sleep!” A grumpy voice appeared at the kitchen door, I spin around to see a furious 10 year old in Wonder Woman pyjamas, clutching a stuffed rabbit. She glared angrily at the both of us. 

Sure, why not, there was room for 3 in the shouting match.


	5. Chapter 5

We both stared guiltily at Maisie, who had now put both her hands on her hips, scowling at Max. It was like being caught sneaking food in the middle of the night by your Mum. I silently praise the fact she had come down now and not a few moments earlier when we were acting like a couple of sex starved maniacs. I didn’t have the energy to explain how that all works just yet. 

“Why are you upsetting my Mum for?” Maisie asks Max, who was just looking at her dumbfoundedly. He shoots me a glance, pleading for help, but I stay silent, grateful I have a small bodyguard now, Not that I can’t fight my own battles but, still, every little helps. 

“I… we were just talking.” Max tried to explain.

“No you weren’t. You woke me up. Why are you upsetting my Mum?!” She pressed on, taking none of his bullshit. God I really feel sorry for anyone she dates that hurts her. I take this opportunity to step into his aid. 

“Maisie, chill. I’m not upset. It’s just been a long day for all of us. We got angry at each other and we are just trying to sort things out.” I offer, but surprise surprise, she doesn’t accept that either. 

“Who’s Jessica Davies?” She questions suspiciously, narrowing her eyes at Max. “Do we not like her?” She directs that last bit towards me.

“Not really no.” I say, which causes Max to roll his eyes. 

“This isn’t about Jessica Davies! So can we stop going on about it please?” He begs, clutching his hands together. He drags his chair towards Maisie, who holds her ground but observes him cautiously. “Maisie, do you know what’s happened today?” he asks her. 

She nods, and clutches the rabbit closer to her chest. “You’re my Dad.” She replies casually. 

“Yes, I am. But I didn’t know that you existed. I only found out today. So that means I’m a little confused. I’m honestly not trying to upset your Mum. I just want to know what happened.” He explains gently. 

“I didn’t know about you either. Well, I knew, but I didn’t know know, yknow? I’m not shouting about it.” She responds. 

Max sighs in dismay. I almost feel sorry for him trying to go up against her.

“Mais… just because you’re not shouting or upset. It doesn’t mean anyone else can’t be. Max is perfectly within his right to be upset. Definitely allowed to shout too.” I make clear to her. She thinks about this for a few seconds and sighs. 

“Does it have to be this loud? Or late? I need beauty sleep.” She huffs.   
I chuckle and nod. “Afraid so, we did try not to wake you. Also, you don’t need beauty sleep, you don;t ever need to worry about that.” I tactfully, but truthfully say to her. 

“Fine then, if I don’t get enough sleep, my brain won’t function properly.” She argues whilst trying to stifle a yawn. 

“Excellent point. So why don’t you go back to bed? I promise we will talk more in the morning.” I tell her. She doesn’t move, but shifts her weight from one foot to the other. I clear my throat and nodded towards the stairs. She rolls her eyes and turns on her heel, before shooting a look at Max. 

“Will you be here?” She asks.

Max looks at me for confirmation but I just shrug at him, leaving the decision up to him. 

“I’m going to try!” He smiles and looks at me to see if that was the right answer, but I give no answer.

“Okay. Just try and keep it down?” Maisie pleads and then shuffles back upstairs, Max and myself stay silent until we hear her steps recede and her bedroom door close. We both exhale in relief and I begin to chuckle softly.

“Christ, I felt like I was in a prison interrogation then.” Max sighs and puts his hands on his head before leaning back in his chair again, deflated. 

“Yup, she is enough to put the fear of God into anyone.” I agree and fix myself a glass of water. “Do you want one?” I offer.

“God yes. You don;t have anything stronger do you?” He inquires. 

I click my teeth and go over to the fridge to find no beers remaining. I look in the cupboard and find a few near empty bottles of a random selection of alcohol. Nothing to really take the edge off. Maybe spice up a christmas cake, but that’s about it. 

“Negatory. Can I interest you in a Capri-sun? They are Tropical?” I propose, waving a carton above my head. Max exhales deeply and then laughs.

“Can’t say no to one of those.” He answers and hold out a hand for me to throw it to him. I do and then take a seat opposite him. 

“Right. So we can’t shout anymore due to the Gestapo upstairs, and I don’t think we can talk about any of this stuff calmly. What do you propose we do?” I say to him, hoping to begin a nice, good-natured air clear. Although I doubt that very much. I had such a strong feeling to lunge myself at him, to do what? Hit him? Strangle him? Fuck him? Christ knows. What I did know was for the moment, I was done grovelling and apologising. 

Max sucks at his straw thoughtfully, for the first time looking like he did 10 years ago. 

“I’m not really sure. I'm not being funny, Zoe. But I’m so angry with you.” He amits. That statement doesn’t sting as much as I’m sure he intended it to. Partly because no one can really be that inflammatory whilst drinking a Capri-Sun. Plus, I was angry at him too. So that acted as a cushty barrier against him. 

“Likewise.” I say quietly, running my finger around the rim of my glass. “But you honestly didn’t come here to have a screaming match did you? That’s not you.” I question him. 

“No, you’re right. I guess I came to see if I was right. If I still felt the same? To see if I could do this.” He replies, squeezing the carton dry and crushing it in his hand. 

“Do what?” I say.

“Be a Dad? I wanted to know I felt anything towards her.” He confesses.

“You don’t have to feel anything for her. Like I said before. You don’t have to be apart of this. I’m not forcing you.” I tell him. 

“Yeah but, it doesn’t work like that. If I’m her Dad I want to be her Dad. You owe me that much.” He sighs.

“I don’t owe you anything Max. At the end of the day, it’s not up to you to decide. Or even me. It’s up to Maisie if she wants you in her life. That’s the person you’re going to have to convince.” I begin to lecture him, putting my best Mum voice on for the occasion.

“I should have been there, throughout it all. I should have been there when she was born. I should have changed nappies, done the night feeds, take her to school. I should have been there.” He whispers, banging his fist on the table. “It shouldn’t be like this. And you know it.” 

“There is literally no point in being angry about this. You’re not going to get that time back! Plus, how much would you have resented me for stopping you going away with the guys and touring and making music. That band was and is your life. I wasn’t going to be the person to take that from you.” I whisper back, feeling anger rise in my stomach again. 

“I would never have resented you, or her. I loved you and I would have done anything I could to help.” He replies.

“What including Jessica Davies?” I say, poking the bear, refusing to let it drop. 

Max groans and puts his head on the table. “Would you please stop going on about Jessica Fucking Davies!” He pleads, raising his voice slightly. I kick him under the table as a warning and get up to close the kitchen door. 

“No I won’t. Because that’s what you did. I didn’t give you the gratification you wanted so you found it elsewhere. Do you honestly think you wouldn’t have done that if you stuck around? You couldn’t go on tour because Maisie had colic and I was exhausted. Maybe I didn't give you enough attention because I had to give it all to her. This is you, Max. You thrive on attention and when you don’t get it, you go begging at someone else to give it to you. You knew Jessica Davies has a crush on you, so you saw an opportunity and you took it, without talking to me first.” I say breathlessly. 

“Is that what this was? You were jealous I got with someone that actually liked me so you decide to punish me by having my baby and keeping it a fucking secret?!” Max asked, standing up and squaring up to me.

“You were my best friend. You should have known how I felt. You should have known I was scared. It takes more than one person to make the effort. All these years and I heard nothing from you. If you really wanted to find me, you would have.” I say through gritted teeth. 

“I was 17! Plus I’m not a fucking mind reader Zoe! You purposefully distanced yourself from everyone that ever cared about you, and somehow this is my fault?!” I could tell how badly he wanted to shout that, but instead it just comes out as a very pointed whisper, he puts his hands on my shoulders and stares at me, nostrils begin to flare. 

Not to sound like a drama queen, but I found this all very entertaining through the anger. We've always argued, but more so like childish squabbles, rightfully had by the kids we were. We always loved challenging each other as much as we bought each other up. But now? This fighting was so much more matured, there was a real hate behind it, everything was so fast and so full on, I found it tantalising to experience. It was bringing out a different colour in Max I’d never seen before. I wanted more of it. I wanted to push him more, I wanted to see what he was like at his most agitated state. I wanted to know what he was really like now he has grown up, I was desperate for it. 

“Was she good?” I ask simply, knowing this is a dangerous question to ask, but I really couldn’t help myself. 

Max stops dead and then takes his hands off my shoulders to pull at his own hair in anguish. 

“You are melting my head Zoe! Why would you even ask that?!” He cries. 

“Because I want to know. Was she good? Huh?” I say, pushing his shoulder. 

This surely can’t end well. Max sighs and looks as if he wants to tear his hair out. I bit my lip to hide a gleeful smile, but it crept through anyway. Max scowled at me. 

“Are you actually enjoying this?” He asked, perplexed. I just shrug. 

“You still haven’t answered my question. Was Jessica Davies good? Was she everything you ever dreamed of, did she scratch you ego just right?” I said, allowing my voice to hold a babyish tone. He narrowed his eyes at me, clearly offended. “Or was i just not good enough at it so you thought you’d try elsewhere?”

“Zoe…” He warned, but I cut him off. 

“What? Is that a difficult question to answer? Did you do it so many times you simply couldn’t comment? What is it? Or are you suddenly coy?” I argue, relishing in my words and knowing what it was doing to him. 

He begins to pace around the kitchen, visibly fuming, I squinted to check there wasn’t actually smoke coming from his ears. I really wouldn’t be surprised. I watched him pace, seeing him try and control his breath. He turned back to me and came back towards me, I pushed myself back into the wall folding my arms, keeping my composure. He now looked calm, all traces of anger had gone from his face. It had now transformed into desperation, his face willed me to stop torturing him. 

“Just, please. I don’t want to do this anymore.” He says quietly, now closer to me. 

“You calm now?” I ask him. To that he just nods, exhaling.

“Good. Well done, you didn’t lose your cool. Bonus points for not breaking anything or hitting me.” I say, leaving max looking confused.

“You want to know if you could be Dad? Well, imagine what I just did, but more persistent, annoying questions that make you want to scream and break a window. Times that by about a million, and that;s what it;s like dealing with a child sometimes. They make you want to tear your skin off with anger, desperation and pure annoyance. And you need to know how to handle that. You can’t blow off the rails, you need to know how to control yourself when it all gets too much. If you can do that, then well done, you’re on your way to being a Dad. So Well Done.” I explain. To this, Max blinked rapidly, trying to process my logic. His mouth opened but no sound came out. He was truly at a loss for words. 

I smiled triumphantly, pleased that my little experiment paid off. If he was serious about being in Maisie’s life and subsequently mine, I need to know how much he could take, how he controlled himself. He’s so different to how he used to be, I wasn’t going to gamble on the happiness and safety of my daughter based on memories from childhood. So I was glad to know that he held himself well. 

Max begins to laugh deliriously, not really knowing what to do with his hands anymore.

“You did all that as part of a test?” He questioned me. 

I nodded. “I wanted to know if you could handle it. Parenthood is very different from being in a band, and I know you do that well enough.” 

Max groans, still laughing. 

“You wanted to know if you could do this. I just showed you that you can. Obviously there’s a lot more to it than that, but believe me a big part of it is just keeping your cool. Trust me.” I justify my logic to him. 

“You’re ridiculous.” Max sighs. 

“Nah, I’m a Mum and a teacher, I know how kids are.” I shrug. 

“You doing this, is this you saying that you want me in Maisie’s life?” He asks suspiciously.

“I’m gonna leave that to you to decide. You haven’t really spent that much time with her. You don't really know her, or her you. At the moment she’s not your biggest fan. But I don’t doubt that she won’t warm up to you eventually.” I say, allowing a good natured smile to finally be shown on my face. 

“You really haven’t changed have you?” He chuckles. 

I shake my head in protest. “I have changed, Max. And that’s a good thing. I needed to change in order to be a good Mum, a better person. You can’t go through what I did and remain the same person at the end of it.” I tell him. To that he just nods in agreement. 

“Do you have any idea what you leaving did to me? What kind of a hole you left?.” He says, letting the words hanging in the air. “I hated you so much.” He says getting closer to me now. “I just…” He trails off again. After a beat, under his breath I hear his whisper “Fuck it” and in a instant he pushes himself into me, crashing his lips onto mine. Here we go again. I gladly welcome him though, I knew this was the only way to guarantee that we wouldn’t continue to be stuck in the stupid arguing cycle. I had a feeling Max was in agreement, the only emotion that was left to hash out was the unmistakable tension that had grown between us ever since he had walked in the door. It sure beats arguing anyway, plus I was curious to see how this played out the second time around, plus, I really really wanted to. 

His breathing grew deeper and I could hear him moan as we kissed, both of us with the desire to be as close as possible, I unzipped his jacket and pulled it off, he helped me and tossed it to the side, his hands immediately went under my shirt, trailing up my hips towards my chest, I gasped at his touch and at the unfamiliar sensation it bought with it, I wrapped my hands around his neck, moving up to the back of his head, which I could feel move lower, moving away from my lips and down to my neck, christ this all felt so good. The last person to touch me like this was… well Max. Admittedly we were both new at it then, now it seemed he had evolved leaps and bounds ahead of me, over the years it’s a guarantee he has clocked in a lot more practise hours. Something which I hoped wouldn’t put me at a disadvantage.

“Max, I… haven’t really done this in a while.” I admit breathlessly. He stopped and bought his face back up to my lips, not really registering what I said. 

“How longs a while?” He whispered between kisses. 

“Try about 10 years?” I say, feeling my eyes roll upwards and his hands began to wander lower. He stopped. Pulled back and blinked.

“Seriously?” He asked, not quite convinced.

“Yeah, I kind of had a lot of other things on my mind.” I explain. Max thinks about this and then smiles.

“You sure you want to do this?” He asks gently, hand brushing the waistband of my jeans.

“I don’t know, I just don’t want to be shit, like I feel like I just want to hit you or scream at you but also… no fuck it I really want to.” I sigh and pulled him back, feeling him pull up his t-shirt off my body, and then my own shirt that was still underneath, significantly easier without buttons. I curse myself silently for not wearing a more enticing bra, but then again this was not what I had planned for today at all.

I reached behind me for the doorknob, opening it and dragged him out into the hallway, putting a finger to my lips urging him to be quiet as we travelled up the stairs. He obeyed and kept a tight grip on my hand. 

Maisie’s door was still closed and I fought off the urge to go check on her as per my usual night time routine and headed straight for my room. Once Max was inside I closed the door gently and he began to kiss me again, just as urgent as before, we moved backwards and fell onto the bed, I grunted softly, feeling his weight on top of me. I needed to do something and without thinking my hands shot straight to his belt and tried and failed to un do it. He laughs and straightens up and undoes it for me, pull it off and unzip his trousers and proceed to shuffle out of them in double quick time. He then began to undo mine, I lifted my hips so he could pull them off, my pants going with them, slightly relieved it was mostly dark so I could avoid the natural feeling of self-consciousness. I expected him to fall back on top of me, but instead I could feel his breath on my inner thigh. I held my breath in anticipation of what was coming, he gripped my leg and kissed it softly, working his way up. Another hand slid up my body and I held onto it, my other hand finding its way to the top of his head, clutching at his hair. I could feel my body curve under the sensation of it all. I sighed with pleasure and Max squeezed tightly on my hand.   
I’d never felt anything like this before so I didn’t know how to respond other than a few weak gasps, following with the occasional moan I couldn’t control. I was thinking too much so I just decided to close my eyes and let my body react the way it should, melting at his touch and reacting very positively. 

He rose up afterwards and kissed up my torso, up past my chest and neck until he reached my lips again. I wanted more of this, of him, I didn’t want it to stop, I just wanted all of him. I went to pull down his boxers to find they weren’t there. When did he take those off? Was he going commando? Questions for later. 

He pressed his hips into mine and I could feel my legs relax and widen, and as I did that, I could feel him enter me. I cried out at the pain that came with followed, I could feel my natural instinct wanting to kick in and recoil, expelling the foreign object. Now this felt horribly familiar. But I gripped onto his shoulder as the pain washed over me, I bit the inside of my cheek and dug my nails in, to which he groaned, causing him tilted his head back and then looked at me, trying to read my face in the darkness. I released my grip and stroked his face reassuringly, urging him to carry on. He did and the pain slowly subsided introducing waves of pleasure as he continued that caused my body to twitch and my gasps now become more audible. He held onto my hand and pushed it into the bed, his face inches from mine, I could feel his breath wash over my face as he switched from a light panting, to a quiet grunting, he buried his face into my neck, muffling any of the louder sounds he couldn’t moderate. I expected him to move as quickly as he did with everything else, but he was slow, aware speed would probably end up hurting, which I was grateful for, it meant that this feeling this moment between the two of us could last as long as possible.


	6. Chapter 6

We lay there, a mess of entwined limbs for a while in silence. The only sound was our breathing, and the occasional sound of passing traffic from outside. Max stroked his fingers up and down my arm, sometimes reaching over to kiss my forehead. I sighed and readjusted myself so I was facing him. I could only really make out his face through the crack in the curtains that let the light from the streetlights pour through. He was looking at the ceiling, looking as if he was in deep thought. I poked his cheek to get his attention. He broke his gaze and his eyes met mine. 

“You okay?” He whispered, still stroking my arm. 

“Yeah… I’m great. Shattered but overall I’m good.” I say, yawning, feeling every minute of today weighing me down. I wanted so badly to crash, but then I would miss this, so I rubbed my eyes and fought to keep consciousness. 

Max chuckled and pulled me so I was on top of him, he leant up to kiss me and then let his head fall back down onto the bed.

“Yeah I’m pretty tired too. Long day.” He mused. 

I groaned and buried my head into his shoulder. “The longest day I think I’ve ever had.” I neglect to compare it to the 27 hours of labour I endured, but emotionally they weigh about the same.

“At least we have stopped arguing.” Max said. 

“Only because it’s pretty hard to row when you’re in those positions.” I joke and hug myself closer to him, inhaling his scent like it was a drug. I can’t avoid the fact of how good this all felt, how right it was. It was like being with a completely different person. I knew it was Max, but he wasn’t the Max I used to know anymore. He wasn’t really there anymore, and I was okay with that. With the old Max, all I felt was guilt, shame and a whole lot of anger. This Max, I suddenly couldn’t get enough of. 

“I can’t believe we just did that…” I breathe.

“Yeah…” Max sighs, with a hint of contentedness. I frown and look at him. 

“You’re enjoying this aren’t you?” I laugh. “Or is it you just got laid so now you’re all blissed out.” I continue, causing Max to laugh with me.

“No… it’s just very odd actually. I really didn’t expect it, I mean c’mon it’s you! Are you not finding this weird?!” He questions.

“I’m very, very close to freaking out. I can’t even blame all of this on being drunk like the last time.” I murmur. 

“What are you doing tomorrow?” He asks after a few moments of silence, steering away from an incoming debrief of emotions and feelings that was sure to spill out if we stayed talking about what just happened.

“Not sure. A very exciting trip to the supermarket from all accounts. I mean I probably owe Maisie a trip to the cinema as well, considering we didn’t go yesterday.” I say.

“Mind if I tag along?” Max asks warily. 

“Don’t you have to go back? Next show?” I question him, completely forgetting about his other obligations. 

“Day off tomorrow, moving onto Yeovil the next day, then Cardiff and then back to London and that’s me done. But I just thought I could take advantage of the free time. I’d love to spend it with you two, but if you don’t want me too, if you think it’s too soon, then I totally get it we can-” I cut him off by kissing him, from very recent experience, that seems to be the only way to shut him up.

“You’re more than welcome.” I whisper.

\----

I rose with my alarm, stretching groggily, feeling the lack of sleep weigh heavy on my body. Max groaned and yawned sleepily, rolling over to face me. I was taken aback briefly by the sight of him, my memory drawing a blank as to why he was there, then thoughts flew back to him coming round unannounced, the dance we did between reminiscing, arguing and round and round again until, well we ended up like this. I exhale and sit up, wrapping the sheets around me, concealing the nakedness. Not sure why I was so desperate for him not to see it, but now was the cold light of day and it just felt weird. 

“Hey, morning.” He says, his voice full of sleep.

“Morning.” I say quickly and then begin to get out of bed, clutching the sheets to me. I could hear Max laugh behind me. 

“What are you doing?” He asked, propping himself up on his elbow and stared at me under the mound of sheets I’d wrapped myself in. 

“Just… going to get dressed.” I say casually.

“Is that how you do it every morning?” He says.

“Well, Ideally I’d have pyjamas…” I explain.

“You just don’t want me to see you, do you?” He answered for me. 

“That obvious?” I say, defeated, still holding the sheets over me. 

“Yup…” He laughed and then got out of bed too, padding over to me, he stretched as he did so and I had to divert my gaze, completely forgetting he too was naked. He is next to me now and touches my arms. “Do you want me to turn around?” He jokes, but he pulled me closer to him, reaching to kiss me. I turn my head away and step back. 

“If you wouldn’t mind.” I say. To that he lets go of me and nods, running his finger over his heart in a cross shape and then winks at me, dutifully turning his back to me. I let out a sigh of relief and quickly ran to my wardrobe and pulled the door to conceal me further.

“Listen, Zoe, about last night.” Max begins to say, his back still facing me.

“We really don’t have to talk about it. We both know what happened, let’s not relive it.” I interrupt, yanking my underwear on and reaching for the closest t-shirt and my trusty Sunday dungarees, especially designed for housework and the food shop runs.

“Did you not enjoy it?” He asked innocently, but with a slight tinge of what I assume to be disappointment, turning his head to the side. I sigh and close the wardrobe and clear my throat, signalling to him that he could turn back around. I kept my eyes stuck on his face, begging them not to wander down further. 

“It’s not that I didn’t enjoy it. It was just a lot. It’s been a while, and the fact it was you, after everything that happened last night. I really don’t know how to process it.” I say. Max nods and looks around the room for his underwear and trousers picks them and gets dressed. He looks around for his shirt, but it was nowhere to be found. 

“Ah, it’s downstairs isn’t it?” He says and I just nod, knowing exactly where it was tossed on the kitchen floor in the throws of it all. 

“I’ll just go get it.” He says and points towards the door, making his way out. My whole body felt tense, it seems now having here in my house just felt odd. I'm not entirely sure last night was a good idea or not, I knew I wanted to, but was that just for the sake of a ceasefire? Old memories flaring up so we may as well for old times sake? I really didn’t want to be that girl who was desperate to know what it all meant, but at the same time… what did it all mean?!

“Oh, morning.” I heard Max say from downstairs. I frown in confusion and then snap into action, bolted it downstairs. Maisie was awake then. I reach the kitchen to find Maisie sat at the table, eating breakfast, fully dressed. Max was just standing in the doorway, still shirtless, stopped dead at the sight of her. Maisie stares at him whilst she chews, dare I say, accusingly? I squeeze past him and pick up his shirt that was on the floor and I throw it over to him. He shoots me a thankful look and pulls it on. 

“You’re up early.” I say brightly to her trying to keep my voice as breezy and I could manage, going over to the kettle, kissing her on the head as I past her.

“There’s tea already.” She says and nods over to the counter where two mugs are placed, readily made with tea. I frown and look at her. She just carries on looking at Max. 

“Thank you…” I say and take one of the mugs, handing it over to Max, who takes it from my hand, looking at it as some sort of miracle elixir. 

“Wasn’t sure how you took it. So I did it the same as Mum’s.” Maisie explains. 

“NATO Standard?” Both myself and Max say at the same time, we stare at each other, Max grins and I just stare, dumbstruck. That was always the code he used to use for tea, I completely forgot I even got it from him. 

“Yup…” Maisie nods, slurping loudly from her cup of juice, the perfect break in the tense silence.

“Yeah, that’s perfect. That’s sweet of you, thank you.” He directs that last statement at Maisie and smiles at her, but she doesn’t return the gesture. 

“Would you like some breakfast?” I ask Max, nodding at the table, urging him to sit. I lean back against the counter and blow on the tea, feeling the steam wash over my face. 

“What have you got?” He asks, slowly sitting down, careful not to spill the contents of his mug. 

“Well, there’s toast? Cereal?” I reel off. 

“Not my cereal though..” Maisie warns and wraps her arms around her cereal bowl in defence. 

“Yeah, no that’s off limits don’t worry.” I reassure her. 

“What’s your cereal?” Max asks her. 

“Frosted Shreddies, but I mix in cornflakes as well.” She tells him. 

“Oh wow, that sounds great! Quite the inventor then?” He laughs.

“No. We didn’t have enough of either, so I mixed them together.” She explains slowly, confused at the compliment he was giving her. I check the cupboards and see two empty boxes of Shreddies and cornflakes. I sigh and take them out of the cupboard and place them in the recycling bin, making sure to tap her on the head with them as I walk past. 

“And what do we do when you have an empty box?” I remind her.

“Put in the bin.” She mutters, her mouth now full. 

“There we go.” I smile and shrug at Max. “Sorry, no cereal then.” I apologize.

“Well, we could, go out for breakfast?” He suggests.

“I’m already eating…” Maisie mumbles, trying not to let the milk dribble from her mouth. I kick her chair lightly as a warning gesture. She was on the defensive still it seems. Yes she made him tea, but that’s just the british in her surely. She could hate you, but still make sure you were hydrated enough to torture you afterwards. 

“Don’t be rude. That’s a great idea Max. Thank you for offering.” I say and raise my eyebrows in apology. He just smiles and shakes his head.

Whilst I was on the lecturing hype. I went and sat down across from her, next to Max. I fold my arms and focus my gaze on her. 

“Also, why did you give Matt our address? I know he’s not a stranger off the street, but he could’ve been, and that could have been dangerous.” I scold her.

Maisie just shrugs and carries on eating. “It got him here didn’t it?” She replies. 

I stop at that, was this her whole plan all along? Plant the seeds so Max had no choice but to come round, by telling the biggest blabbermouth I know i.e Matt. I sigh and narrow my eyes at her.

“Are you trying to tell me that you tried to pull a ‘Parent Trap’ on us? You must know that wouldn’t have worked? There’s only one of you for a start.” I say, trying not to laugh and keep my sternness strong. Max begins to laugh as well, which doesn’t help.

“You wanted me to come?” He asks Maisie, leaning forward a bit now.

“Dunno. I thought you should at least talk.” She explains. 

She never fails to impress me with how clever she actually is. I’d let her become the puppet master of my life all of a sudden. I start thinking she’d be a great addition to the local government in the future.

“Plus, I wanted to talk to you as well. But I thought Mum should first. You stayed over. Which means everything is fine now, yeah?” She asks, aiming the question at the both of us. We both stay silent. Fine? I’m not sure I could say yes. I wasn’t really sure where last night left us. Sure, Max said he wanted to spend the day with us, but that could just be out of politeness and then he’d be on his merry way never to be seen again. I wasn’t really sure how he felt about me now, does he still hate me? Am I still angry with him? God sex never makes anything clear, just adds to the confusion. 

Max is the first one to break the silence.   
…” He began to answer.

“And shout.” Maisie mutters darkly. 

“Yes, yes we did shout. But that was just because we hadn’t seen each other for a long time and-” 

Maisie cuts him off again. “No, I thought it was because of Jessica Davies?” She asks. I hold my breath at the name, I see Max’s grip tighten around his mug and then release almost instantly. I exhaled in relief, really not wanting another head to head over the breakfast table. 

“Partly, yeah. But we are going to carry on trying to talk and sort stuff out.” Max finishes, giving her a reassuring smile.

“Are we?” I ask stupidly, surprised at his commitment already.

“Well, yeah.” He nods at me. I just nod back, unsure and then shot Maisie the same reassuring smile, however slightly more wavering. 

Maisie mulls over this for a few moments, tapping her spoon against her bowl. Both myself and Max watched her cautiously to hear her thoughts. She drops her spoon and pushes the bowl away from her, the clatter causing me to jump. 

“What’s your favourite animal?” Maisie asks him. 

“Monkey.” Max replies quickly. 

“Do you like rabbits?”   
“Don’t hate them.”

“Did you do well in School?” 

“Not at all.”

“How do you make money?”

“I’m in a band.”

“Any good?”

“I think so.”

“What’s your favourite colour?”

“Blue.”

“Do you like foxes?”

“Don’t have an opinion.” 

“Well, we don’t like foxes in this house. That is now your opinion.” Maisie huffs.

“Okay, noted.” Max nods. “Foxes are evil.”

“Do you have a car?” 

“Yup.”

“Do you drink?”

“Too much”

“Smoke?”

“Again too much.” 

“Do you like the beach?” 

“Love it.”

“Okay cool. Shall we go?” Maisie asks, looking at the both of us. I just stared at her, struggling to catch up with the quick fire interrogation that was happening over the table. I moved my head like I was in the middle of a heated tennis match. Maisie’s face remained blank, eagerly waiting for the answer to the question. I looked at Max, who’s calm manner when replying to her had turned joyful. He was enjoying this I could tell. I couldn’t help but be impressed with how well he could keep up with her. 

“The beach? Really? Maisie it’s December.” I say.

“Max loves the beach though.” She retorts, nodding towards Max, whose shoulders were shaking with silent laughter. I notice how she said ‘Max’ instead of ‘Dad’ and I was appreciative for that. She realised that the title was something to be earned, and she still wasn’t sure about him. I checked Max’s face to see if that phrashing had upset him anyway, but he just looked at me, eyebrows wiggling, a big smile plastered on his face. I guess not. I doubt he’s ready to hear it either.

“I do love the beach.” He shrugs, drinking his tea, gasping in delight. “Great tea by the way.” He says to Maisie, who lets a flicker of pride show through. She shrugs as well, something which knocks me back, seeing them both interact with each other like this made me see even more how similar she was to him, the shrug definitely. I gulp down my tea to distract myself. 

“Do you really want to go?” I sighed after my mug was drained of all liquid. I felt like I needed about 10 more to get through this day. 

“It could be fun?” Max said, nodding at Maisie, who’s features continued to grow softer towards him. She was wiggling in her seat with eagerness, waiting desperately for me to agree. I roll my eyes and exhale deeply. 

“Fine. But it’s going to be cold, and wet and gross.” I warn her. But she ignores me and then jumps out of her seat, running over to Max and taking his hand pulling him off his chair so he was stood up. 

“Come on, I want to show you my room before we go. I’ve got a cello!” She says impatiently, tugging at him. Max looks to me and raises his eyebrows for permission but I just wave my hand towards the door, letting them both go. I hear them thunder up the stairs and go into her room, Maisie talking a mile a minute. I rest my head on the table as I hear the pair laugh. 

I slink off the chair and go up the stairs. I poke my head into Maisie’s room, to Max sitting on her bed, watching Maisie pull out her cello from her case. 

“Can you show him later maybe?” I ask, leaning against the door frame. Maisie sticks out her bottom lip in protest.

“Hey, you wanted to go to the beach…” I say, folding my arms. 

“I really don’t mind…” Max mediates.

“Trust me, you will be here for hours, I’m doing you a favour really.” I laugh. To that Maisie huffs and puts her cello back up against the wall and storms over to her wardrobe and pulls out her wellies, stuffing her feet into them, clearly annoyed at me. I roll my eyes and Max picks up on this, he goes over to Maisie who holds out her coat to him, signalling for his help.

He does this rather awkwardly, having never helped dress a kid before he struggles trying to get her arm through. Observing this I was confused even further at Maisie’s angle here, I know I tested him last night on parenting, but is she doing the same thing? Not that good parenting is based on how well he can put a coat on her. But she was playing the long game here, hence the interrogation over cereal. I kinda wanted to see how this played out, wandering if this was enough to send Max packing. He finally pulls the coat up and Maisie zips it up quickly. She knows how to do her own coat, she’s not five, she’s definitely testing him. 

She huffs about her room, finding her scarf and wrapping it around herself, do I detect a tantrum brewing? A rare and slightly uncalled one for sure, but I wanted to know what she was up to. 

“What do you say to ice cream when we get there?” Max offers hopelessly, trying to subdue her with the prospect of sugar. Maisie looks up at him, letting the offer dangle in the air. 

“Or… maybe I don’t know, candyfloss? What do you like?” He lists, trying to catch a line. 

“I like fish and chips?” She answers.

“Okay, well, why don’t we get some of those then? And then, when we are home, you could show me what you can do on the cello? Promise.” He says, reaching out to pull out her hood that was tucked in her collar. 

Home? Home as in our home? That’s too soon to be calling it that surely? Ah maybe I’m just letting myself get far too ahead with this. It was nice seeing them together like this though, I liked how much he was trying all of a sudden. Whatever malice he felt towards me, isn’t directed towards her, which I’m thankful for. 

“Okay.” Maisie sighs and then runs out of her room, running down the stairs. Max goes to follow her, proud he had made some progress. He stops at the doorway and smiles in triumph.

“Think i’m getting through?” He asks quietly, carefully not to let her overhear.

I just shrug, putting my hands in my pockets. “I couldn’t say. She’s definitely going to use you to get what she wants, you’re a soft touch. But, you’re doing okay so far. How are you holding up?” I ask.

“Err, I think i’m okay? I’m just gonna let the dice fall how they may and see where they go from there. She’s fun though!” He answers, breaking from my gaze to look around her room. 

“You can still go if you want? Like I’m not going to force you to stay if this is too much…” I say quickly, putting up a wall of defence in case he does decide to leave and it doesn’t affect me as much.

“Oh no, I couldn’t do that, I’ve promised a chippy now.” He laughs. I just look at him seriously. 

“I mean it. Max I don’t want Maisie becoming attached eventually, only for you to decide it’s not for you and then leave.” I say, thinking on how much that would actually hurt, having him not around anymore. I don’t think I've ever realised how hard it was not having him in my life. Not just for help with Maisie, but for me. For as long as I can remember he was there, making me laugh. We used to do everything together. Don’t get me wrong, we drove each other crazy, but I loved him, he was my life for so long even before all the confusion about how we actually felt about each other, even just as friends. I don’t know how I’d be able to deal with it if he suddenly wasn’t there again. What I’m also scared of is what if I suddenly get attached he just leaves?

Selfishness aside, I was careful to go full on, because Maisie’s welfare was on the line here. I didn’t want to dangle the prospect of having a Dad in front of her, have her get attached only for it to be ripped away from her with no explanation. I don’t believe Max would ever do that, but realistically he had no obligation at all, other than 50% DNA, but who really listens to that? 

“Hey, where’d you go?” Max said, waving a hand in front of my face, breaking me away from the thought spiral I was falling into. I just shake my head and smile. 

“Sorry, just thinking. I’m just worried about Maisie. What this is gonna do to her.” I explain.

“I get it, you’re cautious of me getting involved, you have your routine, that bond. I don’t want to disturb that, or hurt it. I don’t really know what is going to happen okay? I’m freaking out a lot here. But know that I’m going to try.” He reassures me.

“You have your own life now though! I don’t think a kid would fit well with that, I don’t want to slow you down.” I begin to say but Max cuts me off again.

“I can cope. Zoe. I can have a career and still be there for her, you do!” He argues.

“Yeah, but I didn’t have a choice! You do! You can still run away from this, act like it never happened if you want? I won’t hold it against you!” I say, although I definitely would hold it against him.

“Why are you trying to push me away? Last night you were so keen for me to stay, spend the day with you both? I don’t get it? What do you actually want?” he pleads.

“I want…” I begin to say, struggling to find the words that matched my very uneasy feelings. “I don’t know what I want okay? Right now I’m trying to get through the day without crying. I’m just trying to protect my family.” I say. 

“I get that. But I don’t want you to push me away again, don’t build up that barrier, just let me in, please?” He says, putting his hands on my shoulders.

I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t look into those eyes that would normally convince me to do anything.

“I’m giving you a way out. This is your chance. If you want to go, just go.” I whisper.

“Mum! Hurry up!” Maisie shouts up the stairs impatiently. Max lets go of my shoulders and nods towards the stairs. 

“Coming!” I shouted back. Max hadn’t caved, he followed me down the stairs, happily putting on his shoes and listening to Maisie reel off the different rides and arcade games there was available at the beach. He wasn’t bolting for the door, he was holding it open for her, chatting away to her. He wasn’t running down the street, he was waiting by the car, waiting for me to unlock it. Maybe I should give him a break, let him do this, but I wasn’t really sure what he was trying to prove to anyone. I really didn’t want to be on guard forever, waiting for him to leg it.  
“Well, there’s still a lot that needs to be sorted out. But me and your Mum talked a lot last night


	7. Chapter 7

*10 years and 10 months ago*

“How did you think that went?” Max asked sliding his bag over his shoulder as we left college. We had just finished our AS English exam, something which he was massively underprepared for, I did try and get him to revise or at least pay some attention, but he wasn’t having any of it. He was more concerned about the music exam he had in a few days. 

“Section C was tough… but overall I was happy with the questions. Literally had to stop myself from cheering when I saw the poetry extract.” I tell him, that poetry extract in question was the last one I revised last night, so it was the one freshest in my head, so thankfully it came up and I wasn’t left floundering.

“Oh yeah, I really don’t get that poem.” Max admitted. 

“Dude, I gave you my notes yesterday, you didn’t even read it, did you?! I scold him, annoyed at his lack of motivation to pass. 

“I was gonna! But Josh rang me, he had written a new song, and then I started making some melodies for it. It is sounding really good!” He defends himself. I just roll my eyes and check for oncoming traffic as we cross the road. 

“Besides. You’re smart one, I plan to live in a little annex above your house when you make it big as a teacher and I’m a hopeless layabout musician.” He laughs, wiggling his fingers in my ear. I batted him away and push my hand in his face. 

“You can’t make it ‘big’ as a teacher, you can do well at your job and move up. But no one is ever famous from being a teacher.” I correct him, excited about the prospect of a cosy,9-5 of moulding minds and carrying on forever. Max was the one who craved the excitement of a job that could take him everywhere. I was just happy to stay in one place. I knew the time would come that we would be separated and move on with our lives. I hoped we didn’t stray too far from each other, life just would seem a bit darker if he wasn’t there annoying me.

“Plus, you won’t be a layabout musician. You’re gonna sell out arena’s one day I promise.” I say, ruffling his hair.

“That’s the dream. Just need to get out of this shithole first!” He laughs. 

“I like our shit hole.” I say in our hometowns defence. 

“Come on! Don’t you want to see what’s out there?” Max asks.

“Not really. I like where I am. I know what to do here.” I reply.

“What do everything your Mum says knowing how she makes you feel, until you get to point where you’re either commited or murder her.” He scoffs.

I shoot him a warning glance, begging him not to give me a lecture about my cowardice when it comes to my Mum. He ignores it and presses on.

“You’re 17! You’re a grown ass women, you should by be able to just tell her to shut up and fuck off.” He tells me. I understand the meaning behind it, he hated how much she bought me down, I know he wanted the best for me, but he just goes about it in all the wrong ways. 

“It’s not that simple!” I begin to protest. 

“I’ll fucking tell her then…” Max offers but i just hit him around the head to shut him up.

“Ow! You could just use your words y’know? You don’t have to always resort to violence.” he jokes, giving me a shove. 

“It’s the only way to get you to shut up, like a dog and a rolled-up newspaper.” I muse. 

Just then, someone calls Max’s name, a girls voice. We both turn around and see Jessica Davies running towards us both. I roll my eyes and stood impatiently waiting for her to catch up to us. Max smiles warmly at her. She reaches us, slightly out of breath and she smiles at max, ignoring me. She was in every one of my classes, yet never spoke to me even once. But as soon as Max was around me, she always found a reason to barge into conversation. Max was too friendly to everyone, which just eggs her on even more. 

“Hey! You alright?” he asks her, readjusting his bag. She coyly tucks her hair behind her ears and nods. 

“Yeah! Just wondering how you found the exam?” She asks.

“Ugh, the worst! I totally bombed it.” he laughs. Jessica laughs as well. 

“Same! That poetry extract completely knocked me for six… anyway I wanted to ask if you wanted to come to my house party on Friday? After the last exams… my parents are going away and I thought hey free house!” She rambles, not taking her eyes off of him. 

“Sure! Sounds like fun!” Max nods. “Can I bring along the guys?” He asks. 

“Yeah of course! The more the merrier!” She agrees, she then breaks her gaze to look at me, and her whole expression changes. 

“You can come too if you want?” She offers, purely out of obligation. Where Max goes, i tend to follow and vice versa. Max gives me a nudge with my shoulder and I blink, realising my face was in a bored expression. I stretch a smile across my face and nod. 

“Oh yeah, sounds like so much fun!” I say, trying not to sound sarcastic, it wasn’t going well so far. 

“Great! Well, I'll see you there?” She aims that question at max, who smiles and nods politely. 

“You bet!” He replies and awkwardly turns on his heel, signalling the conversation was at its end, She notices this and gives a shy wave to him and then turns back the opposite way and walks off. 

I exhale in annoyance and Max shakes his head at me. 

"What?!" I snap at him as we begin walking again.

"You could have tried to sound a bit excited!" He said. I just rolled my eyes further.

"Stop with the eye rolling! Why are you always so mean to her?” He asks. 

“I’m not mean to her! She doesn’t even talk to me unless I’m with you.” I tell him, Max scoffs and shrugs.

“She’s probably just shy, she probably wants to talk to you, but I’m just a friendly, neutral territory to help ease conversation.” he says brightly. I find myself rolling my eyes again and receive a sharp jab in the ribs from Max. 

“Ow! Would you stop it! I’m just saying, that Jessica Davies has no interest in me, but she has a hell of a lot of interest in you.” I say. 

Max just laughs and shakes his head. “What, really? She likes me?” He says, trying to mask his pride. 

“Yes! It’s so obvious max, what with the party? Running all the way over here to ask you about the exam, the hair tuck!” I explain. He just frowns at me and I sigh and coyly tuck my hair behind my ears, giggling and blinking my eyes for extra effect, replicating the actions of Jessica Davies. Max takes a few moments to register, smiling at my very out of character performance. He then exhales and looks back in the direction of Jessica Davies and then blushes. 

“Oh my God, are you blushing?! Wait, do you like her?” I question, feeling my stomach suddenly drop. 

“Me? No! I- No… she’s not really my type…” Max shrugs, looking at his feet. 

“She’s not your type? Come on she’s gorgeous! Funny, and really smart…” I list off. Confused as to why she said she tanked the exam, because she is joint top of the class along with me, she has plans to do English at uni. There is no way. Unless she wanted to make her seem more relatable to Max, which is just stupid because she should just own how smart she is and not care how that made her look to a guy. 

“Well, yeah she’s all of that, but I don't know, I'm not really into it.” He shrugs not looking at me still. 

“What are you into then?” I ask curiously, hoping for some insight into Max’s feelings towards the opposite sex. The whole time I’ve known him he’s literally shown no interest in anyone. 

“I don’t know! I’ve never really thought about it! Don’t really see the point.” He tells me, he then reaches into his coat and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He holds over the pack to me and I sigh, taking one and reaching for my own lighter. 

“Me neither.” I reply.

"Maybe we should get together and just fuck the rest of the world off." Max suggests casually.

I just laugh "Absolutely not, we'd kill each other… it would be a shambles." 

"Nah, I reckon it could be fun. You know what they say about the perfect relationships, there has to be a putter and a leaver.” He chuckles, wiggling his eyebrows.

“What?!” I sigh. 

“Yeah! So two putters can’t be together because they would kill each other over how the tins in the cupboard are supposed to face. And two leavers can’t be together because they would just die of dysentery or the plague!” Max laughs. 

“Okay… so who’s the putter and who’s a leaver?” I ask humour him. To which he stares at me and raises his eyebrows. 

“Where are your keys?” He asks me simply. 

“Where I put them?” I say, confused.

“Okay, now ask me where my keys are?” He urges.

“Where are your keys?” I ask. To which he just shrugs and smirks.   
“Wherever I left them.” He replies breezily. 

“Ah, so I’m the uptight one is what you’re really trying to say?” I laugh. 

“Hey, you came up with that one on your own.” Max laughs and I swing my hand towards his head but he quickly dodges it, running around me. 

“I’m not uptight!” I whine.

“Whatever you say.” Max jibes and pokes me in the hip. 

“Besides, you wouldn’t want to be with me anyway…” I say quietly.

“Nah… you’d annoy the fuck out of me even more than you do already.” Max sighs and winks at me. 

“Back at you.” I reply shortly.


	8. Chapter 8

As I drove, Maisie uses this as an opportunity to carry on her earlier interrogation. Reeling off random questions, gaining more insight of his life, to which he answered with no issue. I stared at the road, deep in concentration, blocking out the two of them. I’m not sure why, admittedly I had pictured this many a times whilst Maisie was growing up. The three of us taking road trips together, although I’d hoped it would be in the summer time, not driving all the way down to Southsea beach in the pouring rain. In probably the strangest 24 hours I’d had, all of my past fantasies were coming closer to reality, and my brain struggled with processing it all. I wouldn’t be shocked if I suddenly woke up and this was all a dream.

“So, how long have you known my Mum?” Maisie asks, bringing my attention back to the conversation. 

“Oohhh…” Max muses, his body half turned to face her, causing his seatbelt to awkwardly cut across his neck. “I met your Mum when we were very little.” He said. “I actually think it was your age. Right?” He double checks with me. I just nod. 

“Yup, well, we were in the same class since Reception. So even younger. But actually didn’t talk until we were about 10.” I explain. We had known each other ever since I could remember, however he was always a little too preoccupied digging for worms or getting into trouble and being the resident class clown. He never really talked to me because, well, I thought he was an idiot that had too much time on his hands and he thought I was stuck-up. He wasn’t wrong, I was a very judgemental child, but I would never give him the satisfaction of letting him know that.

“Oh yeah… that’s it! I put chewing gum in your hair and you punched me!” He laughs. 

“Which was fully justified!” I argue, remembering the rage that filled me when Max spat chewing gum at me. Sure it was an accident, so he says, but I still mourn for the large chunk of hair that Mum had to cut out later at home. 

“You say that punching people is wrong.” Maisie says to me, I look at her in the rear-view mirror to see her looking accusingly at me. 

“I did deserve it, in your Mum’s defence.” Max laughs. 

“So, you put chewing gum in Mum’s hair, she punched you and then you became friends?” Maisie asks. “But why?”

“She became obsessed with me after that.” Max jokes, winking at Maisie who then starts to giggle. I let out an audible ‘Hah!’ and scoff. 

“You wouldn’t leave me alone more like.” I say, remembering the joint detention we were forced to go into after ‘chewing gum gate’. 100 lines of “I will not hit.” for me and 100 lines of “I will not put chewing gum in people’s hair.” for Him. The whole time I had planned to give him steely glares across the table, serve my punishment gracefully and then leave. But he had other ideas, wouldn’t settle, ran around the classroom throwing bits of paper at me, telling me jokes and poking me in the face. He was insatiable, obsessed with torturing me for some reason. My Mum would have said he was only doing it because he liked me, but that’s a stupid reason. But after that afternoon, he continued to follow me around school like a lost puppy. Over time I had succeeded and let him in, realising he was as funny as he was completely annoying. 

“What can I say? She let me copy her homework and I was on the hook forever.” He laughed, winking at me.

“Yeah, yeah.” I laugh, feeling my shoulders relax, letting some of the tense feelings wash away.

“And, I was your knight in shining armour don’t forget…” Max reminds me. I narrow my eyes at the road at that, trying to catch on to what he was saying. Then it clicked.

“Oh my God!” I laugh “Katy Lesley! Oh Christ he was such an ar- um mean person” I say, cleaning up my intended language in the knick of time. “Maisie, I had a school bully that was hell-bent on making my school days suck. She always tripped me over, pushed me in mud, pulled my hair, ugh just horrible.” I begin to explain. “But, after the detention we were in, she was waiting for me outside the gates, and pushed me into the road.” I hear Maisie gasp in terror at the thought of 10 year old me nearly being flattened by a car. “Don’t worry, I didn’t get hit, just really badly scraped my leg.” I reassured her.

“And I saw all of that…” Max chimes in.

“But failed to check I was okay, bare in mind.” I tell him.

“Because I was busy plotting revenge?” He says and shrugs. 

“What did you do?!” Maisie asks, leaning forward now, fully invested in storytime. She never really got much of this from me, I kept a lot of my past hidden from her, memories too painful to dredge up, I didn’t want to tell her a happy memory and then overthink it and get sad. So I tended to focus on more of the make-believe variety. But this was nice, she was getting to know myself a bit more through Max, and that didn’t feel as scary as I imagined. 

Max turns his head again to look at her. 

“Well… I was quite a dab hand at pranks, actually still am. But whilst Katy was in P.E the next day… I snuck into the changing rooms and filled her school bag with mud, leaves and water.” He tells her, fighting back a smile, Maisie just looked at him open-mouthed. 

“Didn’t stop there. I then waited until everyone was leaving school, and it was really wet and muddy. So I saw her making her way over to your Mum, and I ran over and pushed her straight into this huge puddle. In front of everyone.” Max laughs, along with Maisie. “Needless to say she left your Mum alone after that.” He finishes, turning back around in his seat.

“Wow… can you do that to someone at my school?” She asks him.

“You don’t have a bully do you?!” I ask, worriedly. 

“No… I just don’t like him. He eats weird sandwiches.” Maisie says. 

I just laugh. “You can’t stage a major humiliation just because he has ‘weird sandwiches’ I mean what even qualifies as ‘weird’?”

“Egg.” She replied.

“What… just egg? Nothing else?” Max questions.

Maisie just nods, hoping at least one of us shares her outrage. Max takes a sharp intake of breath and shakes his head.

“Yeah fair one, that is criminal.” He laughs.

“See! It’s just wrong.” Maisie says seriously. “Maaaxxx?” She asks after a beat.

“Yeeessss?” He answers in the same cadence.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” She asks what I’m assuming is a very innocent question to her. But it sends a strange effect all through the car. Everyone just goes silent. I blink and am now incredibly eager to know his answer. Because if he does, then last night was definitely a mistake and would make me very angry and sorry for whatever poor girl he had cheated on. God this was like Jessica Fucking Davies all over again. 

“Uh, nope. I don’t.” He smiles and looks at me for my reaction. I just carry on staring at the road, poker face in full effect. Well, at least that wasn’t a thing to worry about. Not that I wanted him. No, just makes things easier. 

“Okay. Do you want one?” She asks.

“Depends on who’s asking?” He jokes, still looking at me when he talks. 

I give an internal sigh of relief when I see the sea. “Ah, you owe me a pound! I saw it first!” I say quickly, to which Maisie groans.   
“That’s not fair! I wasn’t looking!” She moans “I don’t have a pound! I don’t have a job!”

“And whose fault is that?” I say, turning into a car park that was almost empty. 

“I’m sure I’ve got a pound somewhere…” Max offers, but I hold my hand up as I reverse into a spot.

“Use it for parking, because I am all out of change. Which reminds me, what are we actually going to do now we are here? It’s tipping it down! I say, looking at the dismal weather.

“We could go to the arcades!” Maisie pipes up. Me and Max looked at each other, his face lit up with excitement, I roll my eyes and nodded, turning off the ignition. 

“Come on then trouble.” I say, to which Maisie quickly undoes her seatbelt and runs out of the car. “Wait!” I shout at her and sigh, getting out myself. Max follows and instantly recoils at the weather. His jacket didn’t have a hood and was paper thin. He wraps it close to his chest and I laugh whilst putting my own hood up.

“You really should have changed…” I say to him, locking the car and extending my hand out to Maisie. 

“Here!” Maisie shouts, thrusting her tiny umbrella at Max. Who just looks at him. She looks up at him under hood and nods. He laughs and puts it up, barely shielding his head. 

“Thank you.” He replies kindly. 

“Race you?” She asks him and tugs on his hand playfully. 

Max thinks about this and then winks. 

“You’re on” He says and instantly breaks out into a light jog, aware of Maisie’s tiny legs that would struggle to keep up with him if he went full speed. Maisie dashed after him, squealing with glee and they both ran through puddles the shelter of the arcade fast approaching. I just trudged behind them, avoiding the puddles all together due to my absence of suitable footwear. I pull my hood further over my face as I go. Once I reach the arcade, they were nowhere to be seen. I   
Twist my head around in panic, the sudden burst of flashing lights and sounds throwing me off slightly. 

“Mum! Over here!” Maisie shouts and I see her and Max over by a basketball game. I breathe out in relief and go over to them. I didn’t think Max would run off with her, but when your child suddenly vanishes with almost a stranger, the inner alarm bells start ringing. 

Max’s hair was sodden by the point, the tiny umbrella doing nothing at all. He shakes his head, sending drips of water everywhere and then runs his hands through it, trying to regain some form of neatness. I try and ignore how good he looked whilst doing that and then stroked Maisie’s own dripping wet hair.

“Wanna play?” She asks Max, who then looks at me for permission and I nod encouragingly and Max puts some money into the game and it whirs into life, releasing several basketballs each for them to shoot into their respective hoops. I lean against the game, watching them battle it out. For a 10 year old she was a worthy opponent to Max, who was scoring pretty much every basket. She gave a triumphant cheer whenever she landed one and Max shouts words of encouragement to her. My face broke out into a grin without warning, observing this truly beautiful sight. It ends up that Max wins, to which Maisie’s grin turns sour very quickly, he just shrugs and laughs. 

“That’s not fair.” She huffs. 

“Okay, well, what’s something you’re good at?” He asks, looking around the rest of the arcade for inspiration. 

“Dance machine.” She states and runs over to one without any warning. Max laughs as he watches her run over to the machine and start playing with the buttons. 

“She’s a lot right?” I say, trying to see any cracks in his cheerful manner. 

“Not at all, I've finally met my energetic match! Although I’ll probably need about three coffees to maintain it, not as young as I once was.” He winks at me and then nods his head in the direction of the dance mat and we trudge over. “Okay, go easy on me, I’m not that good at these.” He says to Maisie as he shrugs off his jacket and rolls his sleeves up. 

“Nope.” She says, concentration plastering her face, watching screens as it loads. 

“Coat.” I say to her and hold out my hand to which she places her soaking wet raincoat into. She copies Max and rolls up her sleeves and the game begins. Max struggles with his footing whilst Maisie hits every move with precision. After three rounds, Max was winded and he leans against the bar, catching his breath. Maisie remains composed and very smug. 

“Come on let’s go again!” She urges him, tapping his shoulder impatiently. Max holds up a hand in defeat, sweat now replacing the dampness from the rain. He then points to me, wheezing. 

“I think Mum needs to take over… I succeed to you.” He laughs and pretends to bow down to her. Maisie looks at me eagerly and I sigh, dropping her coat and my bag on the floor, unzipping my own jacket and placing it over the top. I push Max out of the way and shake my head at his now doubled over body.   
“Well, we’ve seen the amatuer have a go, but shall we show him how absolute pro’s do it?” I say to Maisie and wink at her. She nods gleefully.

“Please, by all means.” Max chuckles and stands over by the side of the machine, leaning against it for support, wiping his brow for comedic effect. 

Me and Maisie begin and we are both perfectly in sync, from years of practise I’ll admit, but I was relieved that I could finally interact with her properly. As great as it was seeing them together, playing, I felt oddly jealous that it wasn’t me doing that stuff, like it had been for so long, I felt like I had to claim my territory now there was a competitor for her affections. As we dance, Max watched us both intensely, smiling from ear to ear, giving cheers every so often, clapping and stamping his feet. I imagine he was pulling his experience from years of watching football religiously.

After the game was done and I was trying to hide how out of breath I now was I gave Maisie a high five and and watch her do the same with Max who was praising her as if she’d just won the Nobel Peace Prize. Well At least he matches my level of encouragement. Sure I was over compensating for the lack of praise I got from my own mother, but at least Maisie will never grow up with the self-crippling doubt that she wouldn’t amount to much. No overcompensating from Max though, he was a nice bloke it seems.


End file.
